July 31, 2011

A Night of Good Vibrations.....

     A friend of ours texted us this week to see if we had any plans Saturday night because his Step Dad’s band was opening up for Quiet Riot on the Riverfront. “When and where??“ I asked. “7 at the Riverfront ” “Ok, you are going to have to give me some directions later.” At work that day I Google the band and Google the town we are going to, maybe there is a bar named the Riverfront or something and he just assumes I know this. Nope, he literally means the town’s river front since we are talking the annual Great River Day of Muscatine. Well I must look like an ass.

Duh...what Riverfront??

     So we go to enjoy the music stylings of Here Kitty Kitty, Seven Shy (freakin Utube them NOW) and Quiet Riot. (Of course we had to take the new truck….again I say, “Gas prices be DAMNED!”) We were surrounded by the most interesting mix of people that has ever gone to a rock concert in the history of rock - ever. I bet Here Kitty Kitty, the band is from L.A., thought Iowa was full of the biggest bunch of redneck freaks known to man. I was embarrassed for all of my fellow Iowans, but enjoyed making fun of several at the same time. Don’t judge me.

     We watch Here Kitty Kitty for the first time in our lives…please for the love of God do a cover of No Doubt ladies, that is what you should be doing…..and then Seven Shy takes the stage. This band is a local celebrity, they draw a huge crowd, they won Battle of the Bands in 2009; in summary: these guys rock. The talent level ratchets up several (hundred) degrees and so does the sound. My old man Husband turns to me and says, “This is really loud.” A few songs later he even shares with us all the fact that his, “nuts are rattling in their sack.” Wow, another reason for us all to love Rock and Roll: feeling the music pound in your chest and having your nuts vibrate by the bass line. Rock on people, rock on!

July 30, 2011

I think I just donated to Locks of Hate

     I am writing this as I sit on my couch and Google hair extensions and wigs. How come I can go into a hair salon and show them two pictures of what I want my hair to look like and not only do they make it look NOTHING like the picture, but they also manage to make it about 3 inches shorter than it should be? I HAVE NO FUCKING HAIR! People with round chubby faces LIKE hair….preferably shoulder length or longer. This is bullshit. I need a hat STAT. Too bad I have to hoard my paid time off for the terrible winter driving conditions that will take place later this year or I would request the next too weeks off of work and lie in bed with all of the lights turned off rocking back and forth cuddling Halloween wigs.

What I wanted.......

What I got....and I am so not this cute right now...or ever!

Living outside of our means....and possibly more in the means of someone that can purchase a small island.

     This week has been full of lots of new and terrifying things. The biggest one right now is the new truck Husband had to have. We have had discussions about his need for a new vehicle. I thought maybe he was convinced to go with something a little more fuel efficient, but the fact of the matter is simply this: my Husband is a big truck kind of guy. A man's man. Gas prices be damned!

     So I leave work Wednesday night and turn my phone off of silence and see that I have a few texts. Text one from Husband: " Call me as soon as you can plz" Text two from Husband: "I am going to look at a new truck. Nothing set in stone." My heart dropped into my feet. I know Husband. He wants it, he gets it. Period. End of story.

     Guess what? The salesman was also very willing to stay a little later at the office so I could also take a look at this heck of a deal, once in a lifetime opportunity, super awesome pick up truck. I went with him to look at it....and test drive it....and fill out the paperwork for it. Ladies and gents we are now the proud owners of a newer truck for Husband....and I am officially the terrified homeowner with 3 vehicle payments. Shoot me in the foot right now!

Not gonna lie....she's a pretty girl...

Again I say thank God for the Best Friend that knows how to roll through all of these emotional milestones with me:

From: Me
Sent: Thursday, July 28, 2011 2:42 PM
To: Best Friend
Subject: The lord failed me

So we are getting the truck…. Here’s to me living the poor life!


From: Best Friend
Sent: Thursday, July 28, 2011 2:58 PM
To: Me
Subject: RE: The lord failed me

Oh honey, it will be okay! J  I hate to say it—but everyone is always poor—some people are really good at making it look like they aren’t.

Best Friend

From: Me
Sent: Thursday, July 28, 2011 3:00 PM
To: Best Friend
Subject: RE: The lord failed me

I am talking poor like eating dirt in the back yard and wearing my underwear one day and flipping it inside out the next day to cut down on my water bill.


From: Best Friend
Sent: Thursday, July 28, 2011 3:03 PM
To: Me
Subject: RE: The lord failed me

Well, at least you have a nice fenced in backyard so your neighbors can’t watch you eat dirt for supper….. And wait a minute—doesn’t everyone flip their underwear inside out to wear it twice?

Best Friend

Seriously love her, she gets me.

July 19, 2011

Productive Works Habits....this series will last about 3 months...and then I will be collecting unemployment.

Seriously, it is amazing that I accomplish anything at all at work.

I have to retract my European BBall statement for (this really wild name).....and change it to European supermodel...it is a woman

Mexican Fiesta:
good supermodel name

DOB: 6/16/1916 lol
Mexican Fiesta:
oh man that did devastating damage to the mental image i have in my head

Mexican Fiesta:
(crying face)

Mexican Fiesta:

just imagine back 80 years ago.....get creative...hop in your time machine!
Mexican Fiesta:
u mean my freaking covered wagon

**This might seem long...but it is totally worth the read...don't turn back now...it's good, I promise!**
last name: Halfmann
Better name: Mai Ai Lam Phan
Mexican Fiesta:
lol chinese dishes served by a midget

I think I like the way this name is listed in our system better...........LAM PHAN MAI AI

Mexican Fiesta:
lol lol

hehe makes me giggle just trying to pronounce it in my head
Mexican Fiesta:
kinda sounds like a hawaiian tropical alcoholic drink

I just keep going Lamb Fan My Eye!
I don't know why....

look at the sky
me and Dr. Suess

we go way back

Mexican Fiesta:
lol back with the snuffalufagus trees
wait....what were those trees called?

ok what trees?
Mexican Fiesta:
the dr suess trees

I don't know? Which book?

Mexican Fiesta [10:33 AM]:
not sure, one sec
the one with the lorax

Me [10:33 AM]:
Google is amazing
Truffula Trees, Swomee-Swans, Brown Bar-ba- loots, and Humming-Fishes

so Truffula trees?
Mexican Fiesta:

so what the heck are:
Swomee-Swans, Brown Bar-ba- loots, and Humming-Fishes
Amazon.com mentions those with the Truffula trees

Mexican Fiesta:
no clue
i have to brush up on my dr. suess
i'd ask someone who has kids

I will find out!
Do you want to know when I find out?

Mexican Fiesta:
yes i do

There are Bar-ba-Loots (resembling bears) that frolic about and eat fruit from the trees, Swomee (Swans) that fly through the air and sing as they go, and Humming Fish that go swimming about in the ponds and humming as they swim. But the Once-ler is only interested in the beauty of the Truffula Trees.

Mexican Fiesta:

A boy (representing the reader) comes to a desolate corner of town to visit a being called the Once-ler (who is never shown throughout the book except for his arms and hands) and learns about the Lorax

Mexican Fiesta:
are u reading the book right now?

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Mexican Fiesta:
holy cow u do know dr suess then, u and him are real tight

he fathered my illegitmate children
the ones I keep in the closet

Mexican Fiesta:
do they have striped arms and look like little furry animals?
and eat green eggs and ham?

With bright orange wild hair
crazy little things

Mexican Fiesta:
Diesel must love them

***Disclaimer...this is me attempting to shamelessly whore my blog out...I need more followers***

From: Me
Sent: Tuesday, July 12, 2011 10:16 AM
To: Fellow Foodie Co-worker
Subject: If you are ever bored at lunch and need something to read

All me right here:
From: Fellow Foodie Co-worker
Sent: Tuesday, July 12, 2011 11:07 AM
To: Me
Subject: RE: If you are ever bored at lunch and need something to read

I already read your blog (STALKER) lol I think I peed a little reading the tanning one.

From: Me
Sent: Tuesday, July 12, 2011 11:09 AM
To: Fellow Foodie Co-worker
Subject: RE: If you are ever bored at lunch and need something to read

I LOVE IT!!!!! This makes me a happy camper….you and the 3 readers I have in the Maldives….. where the heck is that by the way? I should probably at least google these sad and lonely people in a land far far away…maybe donate to their country since clearly they live in a desolate place.


July 17, 2011

Rides, Rip-offs and Road Apples....Oh my!

     I didn’t venture out to the county fair last year and I can’t really even remember why. It might have had something to do with the insane heat or maybe I was in one of my funks after moving to BFE. Anyway, we went to the fair two nights this weekend and I learned a few things during the festivities:

     1. I hate the heat. I am too vain to enjoy sitting outside in 95 degree heat while my hair curls and frizzes trying its best to impersonate Bozo the clown and my boobs are swimming in their own pool of cleavage sweat.

     2. Much to my husband’s dismay, I really don’t enjoy racing. I like figure eight races, but I think it is just all of the chaos and carnage I get to see. Maybe I am a little sadistic?

     3. My future daughters, should I have daughters, will be in a nunnery at age 13. I saw way too many 15 year old girls pushing babies in strollers this weekend. I also saw the ass cheeks of way too many 15 year old girls. To my future daughters, “You will NOT, under any circumstances, leave my house with shorts on that you can’t see under your shirt and if you can’t walk up flight of stairs in them without someone seeing the inside of you ass cheeks. Period. End of Story.” If they don’t like the idea of the nunnery, then they will live in an Amish community instead.

     4. The tilt-a-whirl is still my favorite carnival/fair/amusement park ride. As soon as I get spun in the first 180 degree circle, I cannot stop giggling. The tilt-a-whirl is like a time machine for me. I get to be 7 again when I ride it. P.S. The Scrambler takes second place.

     5. I get a little dizzy on the spinning rides. Even though I may giggle like a little girl, I definitely am not as resilient as I used to be.

     6. Fireworks still amaze me.  

     7. I will never let my children participate in bull riding. I had anxiety and serious heart palpitations watching little 6 year old boys getting thrown off of mini bulls. One boy got carried out of the arena after getting stomped on. Nope, doesn’t matter how much padding, bubble wrap and duct tape you use, I would not be able to watch a child I knew do that.


     8. The food vendors at the fair make a killing. I paid 5 bucks for a funnel cake....but I have no regrets.


  9. Sadly, the smell of manure makes me think of back home....good ol' farm country.

July 12, 2011

A Rose by Any Other Name...........

     I am not a historian or a linguist or even a creationist, and am way too lazy to actually look any of this up, but who got to make the final decision on the names of body parts or verbs or nouns? I guess I want to know where language even started. This is like the chicken or the egg debate for me. So cave men drew pictures and grunted the meanings, but who turned those grunts into actual verbs and nouns? And why did they get the honor?
     What if whoever decided to name our hands hands and feet feet had made different decisions? I don’t know about you, but I can’t imagine myself wiping my ass with my feet. Or wait, what if ass wasn’t the name, what if I pooped out of my ear and then wiped it with my feet. OMG. This could go on forever…because poop might not be poop anymore.
    I think for just one day we should all walk around and jumble up the words we know when speaking. Example:
Current language:
                "I am going to walk the dog before I cook supper. When I get back wash your hands."
Alternative language:
                "I am going to trip the monkey before I defecate chicken. When I pitter patter, dirty your feet."
     How messed up is this? Chicken could be the new word for supper and then my husband would slowly die of starvation because he gets sick and tired of eating chicken! Think about it people because I know I have. Eventually it makes my elbow hurt from thinking too hard.

"Thanks for telling me Steve, I have been calling it noodle."

July 8, 2011

Let's do the Time Warp Again.....With Even More Horror!

Someone must have drugged my ass, carried me out of my house and sat me in a time machine that has been set for 1954. That is the ONLY explanation for why I must be the ONLY person in my house (just two of us mind you) that has to do anything. I need to go buy an apron and a poodle skirt so I can stand in my kitchen looking the part of the 50’s housewife I am expected to be. Really?

I would love to get home at noon and be able to do something. Yes, I know, Husband leaves at un-Godly hours of the night (like two a.m.) but does he realize how hard is it to get anything done when you live in Podunk Iowa and leave for work at 7 am and get home and 6pm? Shit closes at 4:30 here. I am super sick of having to come home and figure out what to feed the man, plus thaw the meat, prep the other ingredients, cook/bake/flash fry the meal EVER SINGLE NIGHT. I love how when I make a move towards the kitchen I get asked, "What are you making?". But hey, if something our in the garage needs to be done you better believe that shit will be complete in 20 minutes.

God help me that I actually thought we could go out and do something tonight and that I wouldn‘t have to cook. Remember last Friday? I thought it was too fucking hot to sit on aluminum bleachers in the sun and watch cars go round and round. So what did hubby do? Left me at home. Why can’t I do that? Why must I feel guilty if I make plans that don’t include him?
I need a life stat! It is really frightening when everything you are and how you define yourself is tied up to the person you married. It is also depressing. And pathetic. People should not go through life giving 110% to someone and getting about 80% back. It is bullshit. Help!

July 7, 2011

More Productive Work Habits...

I think I am going to have make this a weekly event. Maybe "Part" it out. This one would be Part 2 in case you didn't know:

was that you that just sprayed cologne?
Mexican Fiesta (he totally asked to have that as his nickname. He went to Mexico for his honeymoon and has never been the same):
you know it
Mexican Fiesta:
so fresh and so clean
I was concerned for a moment that I was having a stroke
some people smell coffee....maybe I was smelling cologne lol
Mexican Fiesta:

**Before you read this one, please note that I realized as soon as I typed it that I was thinking Enunciation, but yes, I am still a moron**

{Client Name} lives on Annunciation street
really? who is that big of a literary lover they had to name a street Annunciation

Mexican Fiesta:
is that a block over from Seasame St? LOL
Me: and 2 from Mr. Roger's Way
Mexican Fiesta:
and barney lives down the street in La La land
with the teletubbies
hehe and the Count is the Mayor......1 street, 2 street ahahhaa
Mexican Fiesta: too funny
**This co-worker in learning to speak German as a hobby……**

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!
I will buy you a coke!
Coke Love German Speaking Guy:Humor me... gotta practice this so I don't loose it.
Du Kaufen mich eine Coke? Schone!!
You buy me a coke? Sweet!
Darn it!
My translation would have been AWESOME!
You drink coke in a coffin? Shame on you.....
that would have been my guess
CLGSG: Ich triken Coke in meinen Grab! I drink Coke in my grave. lol. strange germans!
Me: hmmmmmm.
my translation of that one would NOT have been very clean

**A little while later**

ok, np, all good, alle gute!
Me: gutentagen?
gluten free?
garbanzo beanJ

Yikes, I don't even want to try to find that out in german!!
Me: This is like word association for me.......you say a german word and I shoot a word out that it reminds me of! 

All in all I'd say it was a pretty productive day.


July 3, 2011

The Tale of High Priority Emails.............

     A while back my long time hotmail account was hacked and never recoverable, so I linked my Husband's email address to my phone and told people to use that. I noticed last week that the "high priority" emails that are delivered to his email address tell a tale... the tale that my Husband is in fact a large chested, geriatric woman who still likes to get around. See for yourself:

Subject: Genie Bra Blowout Sale
*Would that bra be for me? Or for my husband?

Genie Bra - Exclusive Offer. Buy 3 get 3 free.

Subject: Sexy and Supportive Bras
**No cool picture, but these carry AA to LL....OMG, LL???

Subject: Defective Hip Replacement Recalls
***Apparently it's not just your back that is affected by large breasts....

Subject: Go Anywhere with a Wheel Chair Van
****With that faulty hip and those double L boobies chances are you will need a wheelchair van.

Subject: Enjoy Handcrafted Amish Furniture In Your Home
*****No pictire again, but at least you got that Wheelchair van so you can cart home your old fashion, ridiculously over-priced amish dining set - jumbo boobs riding shotgun.

Subject: Here’s How to Help Yourself if You are Depressed
******The fact that your Guiness Book sized boobs have caused major distrress on your body causing the need for even a hip replacement surgery, which ended up being faulty and put you in a wheel chair causing you to buy a wheelchair van, would probably make anyone suicidal.

Subject: Buy Burial Insurance Online
******Fuck it, just give up already!

July 2, 2011

And we're off.....to a great weekend!!!! *Insert lots of sarcasm when you read this*

Good morning all!!! I just thought I would pop on here and tell you all how I am off to an Ah-mazing start to my 3 day holiday weekend. It all started yesterday at work when I realized I had absolutely no plans for my holiday weekend. None. So glad we decided to move to a small town 40 minutes from anyone we know, yet continue to work in another town 40 minutes from that just to make sure we stand no chance of meeting anyone new!

After work: I got home to a Husband that looked like he was ready to murder even the cutest, tiniest, fluffy bunny just for breathing, but insisted on telling me he was fine. Umm.. ok? After about an hour of silence and me just enjoying the nice cold air in our house (97 degrees out yesterday...heat index of 9 billion with a dew point of 99%) he asked if I wanted to go to the races. You want me to go sit outside in this dryer like heat for 4 hours to watch cars go around and around a dirt oval? Thank you, but no. So he went by himself. Nice, me sitting at home on a Friday night........

After races: Husband and I sat outside for awhile having a few drinks since the temp was down to about 85 (much better huh?). Oh, and by few I mean me having one fruity  masterpiece and him having 4 tall boys. Go inside, find a movie to watch and this is when burn number 2 happens.... I don't know when it was exactly that I realized he was no longer in the bathroom and my how odd it was he didn't tell me he was heading up to bed, but I shut the TV off and headed upstairs myself. What did I find? No husband. The man that had just left me home on a Friday night had freakin' gone into our computer room where the Dog was and slept on the FUTON with him....all night.....instead of sleeping in a BED.... with Me!

Call Dr. Phil, Jerry Springer or Maury - scratch that, this is not a paternity dispute- just tell whoever it is that I have a great topic for their next show,  "I am jealous and suspicious of a 90 pound, 3 year old, black Labradane...he is taking over my marriage."

Tonight is not looking any better...........

July 1, 2011

Cubicle Mascott

A few "blocks" away from my cubicle some die hard Twilight fan has a very large cutout of Edward by their desk. This prompted a brilliant plan from my fellow cubie for us to get a mascott. After some discussion I came up with the idea of getting a Mr. Potato head we can prop up and change his face daily to match our moods. I guess it would be a sort of "don't piss me off" warning or "Shit, this is going to be a long day..." memo. Fellow Cubbie said all I had to do now was find said Potato at a garage sale. Dude, pretty sure they still sell them...and of course I had to prove this point by some online shopping and once I knew I was right I sent the following:

Mr. Potato head has gone ghetto….circa 1980s….look at him with his smug look and turned up moustache….he thinks he is to good to roll with us at our cubicles…….

Right now I know you are all jealous that you don't get the glorious experience of having me as your co-worker.....yeah, I said it!