Shakin' What My Mamma Gave Me....

   I bought a Shake Weight in preparation for Big Sister's wedding. I bought it 7 days before her wedding in fact. If this thing tones my arms up in 7 days, not only will I buy stock in the Shake Weight empire, I will buy 2 dozen and hand them out to homeless people at a soup kitchen. Even the "less fortunate" deserve buff biceps and trim triceps right?

   I tried new work out methods with this shake weight tonight. Hold the Shake Weight out with the right arm extended to the right side, bend right leg at the knee. Bounce right hip up and down in the best Shakira impersonation possible and shake said shake weight in a foward and backwards motion. Repeat with left side. Pretty sure I looked like a major jackass bouncing my giggly bits in all kinds of opposite directions repeating, "Shakira, Shakira!" but I feel the burn already. 

Did you know that  you are supposed to use the Shake Weight for only 6 minutes a day?? Sounds easy right? Just try it! I get about 2 minutes in, switch arm positions, shake for another 30 seconds and am done. That's what she said..... The entire time I use this thing I have the following playing in my mind:

Change of Venue

I am posting this with complete and total fear that my Big Sister might kick me out of her wedding all together....but I am posting this with love and hope. Lots and lots of hope that if she does read this she will see the humor in it. Again, because it comes from a place of love.

I received a text today from Big Sister (whom is 4 days away from her wedding) stating that her wedding will now be held out the UIHC Pysch ward. The DJ lost EVERYTHING for their wedding Saturday. I texed her back for some clarification on the word EVERYTHING, because her everthing can be my 30%, and have yet to hear a response...4 hours later.

Being the pre-emptive girl that I am, I quickly sent out an email to my best friend who happens to be a future guest at this wedding.  It goes like this:

Subject: Change of Venue

I got a text from Bridezilla today...and I quote "the wedding is now going to be at the UIHC psych ward Saturday...the DJ lost EVERYTHING!!!" I thought I would pass this along so you can dress accordingly. Robe and slippers maybe?? Bwahahahaha!

Reply to Change of Venue:

I will show in my robes and slippers. Perhaps rollers still in my hair ?

Reply Back:

Streaks of mascara running down our faces...maybe I will carry a stuffed animal and shuffle my feet down the aisle calling "here kitty kitty!"

Final Reply:

Sounds good!

God, I love my sister for such great material and I love my best friend for just hopping on and enjoying the ride with me. Again, this comes from love Big Sister. Your wedding will be amazing and you will have the time of your life regardless of what is and isn't there or does and doesn't happen. P.S. Please don't kick me out of  your wedding....

"Here Kitty Kitty!"

Whatever gets your rocks off....

Last Monday we ripped out some really horendous bushes in the front of the house and decided to fill the area with river rock. Maybe throw some whiskey barrels in the rock with a few flowers in them for decoration . Whatever will require the most minimal amount of maintenance possible since I am sooo not a gardener. We go to our local hardware/clothing/horse feed/garden center after we rip those ugly suckers out to buy the river rock and are told they have 19 bags on hand. The husband tells them to load them all up we'll take them. We pull the truck around and of course him and I end up throwing these heavy ass bags in the truck bed ourselves because we didn't tip for that extra service or something.

Me: Bend. Lift with knees. Grunt. Set bag in back. Count 1 bag. Repeat to bag 3. Stop. Watch and count to 17 as Husband loads the rest of the bags. Umm... last I checked 17 is less than and not an alternative to 19. There inventory is off 2 bags. No big deal. We get the money for the 2 bags credited and are told there will be more in on Wednesday. Husband checks on Friday and nope, they didn't order any more, but the computer shows 2 bags left. My Husband, politely I'm sure, tells lady that no, we bought you out last weekend. After arguing with nice sales lady, since according to her, the computer can never be wrong, husbands leaves.

Today we got to the much bigger version of our everything store in a city 40 miles away to complete the rock garden dreamscape. We buy a few things in the store and ask the cash registerist (like that title?) how many bags of the river rock they have on hand. 41. Ring 'em up says husband. We pay and head to our big red Dodge. Pull the truck around and what do we see when we get out? Not 41 bags of river rock. Not 30, not 29, not 10 but 3 bags!

The very young boys working told us that they were bringing around another pallet. Sweet, sounds good. 5 minutes pass and nothing. The boys check over the little headsets on the progress of the rock search and discover the monkey running the forklift can't find it. We devise a plan of attack. The 2 boys are going to assist in the rock hunt and we are going to sneak up all ninja like in our super-loud truck and block it in. We creep over to the secret rock breeding grounds and find out they have fled the area.

I myself have had some bad inventory results after running a retail store for many years, but how in the hell does almost 2,000 pounds of rock disappear?? I will tell you how. Someone in the middle of Iowa is also creating a landscape wonderland made from river rock but is much smarter than we are. They are driving around in the middle of the night and loading bags and bags of the shit in their horse trailer, or whatever, and high tailing it back to their home. Stupid us...we thought we would pay 3 bucks a bag for 60 bags and only take 20 home.

Dream....

Reality...

Productive Work Habits

Several months back the company decided to install Instant Messaging on all employees’ computers. Here are just a few of the reasons why this was a bad idea and has probably had a negative impact on production:

Example one:

10:02 AM – Me: Not only do I have Friday brain......I now have  ADHD brain

10:02 AM – Co-worker (who is like my lost sibling): hahhaha... ooh shiny

10:02 AM. -  Me: SQUIRREL!

10:02 AM – Co-worker:  HAHA

10:04 AM  – Me:   I think I just felt that cookie slide to my hips 

                    BWAHAHAHAHA

10:05 AM – Co-worker: HAHAHA

10:05 AM – Me: see.....something is WRONG with me today ..Can't focux..

                    or focus

10:05 AM – Co-worker: LOL focux - love it

10:05 AM – Me: Harry Potter will never find my Focux.....

                    OMG

10:05 AM – Co-worker: hahahahahahahahahahahaha

10:05 AM – ME: I just referenced  Harry Potter

Example two:

10:38 AM - Me My time in that piece or work would put SOMEONE to shame    

                  lol

10:38 AM – Co-worker:  hahaha

10:41 AM – Co-worker: my time in this piece of work is comparable to that of a monkeys

10:41 AM – Me: LOL

10:41 AM – Co-worker: a slow retarded monkey

10:41 AM – Me: I am having the opposite problem with everything else....I

                    am more like a monkey on crack

10:41 AM – Co-worker: HAHA

10:42 AM – Co-worker:  we are like experimental monkeys - you are given crack, i am given

                                      sedatives or some sort of toxic poison that effects how my brain works

Example three:

11:41 am – Me: OOOOHHH Oooohh. New name for the day!

11:42 am – Me:   Ralph Pittle hehe

11:43 am – Co-worker: I have missed the daily name game.

11:44 am – Me: I will try harder from now on.

Yeah, pretty sure I have the brain of a 12 year old at work. I guess if I ever get fired it won’t be for my standards being too low… it will be my inability to let a 20 minute window go by without sharing something dumb in an IM. I like to call this team building…or maybe I am boosting morale?

P.S. If you have access to these anywhere I highly recommend putting
the sheep with the lovely black girl behind it..it makes people worry.

Biker Babe my ass!!!

The husband and I went for a motorcycle ride yesterday after slaving away in our front yard pulling out some hideous bushes.  I don’t think he is going to want to take me ever again. The wind was blowing 70 miles an hour which is not very conducive to bikes…. After the first 20 miles my ear drums hurt from the wind pounding them, the tops of my ears hurt from being beat against my own head violently, my tear ducts will be forever dry after pouring every bit of moisture out they could produce and I think I need to apologize to any motorist in the rural Tipton/West Branch/Solon area for flashing them as the wind tried to tear my tank top off. Or maybe I should say, "Your welcome!"

The straw that broke the camel’s back was when I felt something tear at my hair. I promptly had a girly freak out attack thinking some large bug, maybe even bird, was tangled in my hair. After mustering up some courage, I raised my hand up to check the damage and luckily found nothing there. Waitaminute….. The Wind (and it shall now be capitalized as it is a living, vicious entity) decided to yank the barrette that was holding my bangs out of my hair and fling it into the surrounding corn fields. Nice Wind, I really appreciate it.

Knowing we were going to be in public in just a few miles I pulled out my pony tail and decided to wrangle the bangs back in. Fuck, the Wind was not having it and ripped the pony right out of my grip! Showing my true biker colors I yelled a stream of profanities that went something like this, “cock sucking, mother fucking, son of a bitch. I AM DONE!” (Again, my apologies to the lovely couple that happened to be riding their own bike past us at that exact moment.)  I also threw my arms down at my sides like  a 2 year old…thank God I still had enough sense through the blinding rage and didn't stomp my feet on the foot pegs.

We arrived at this little bar/historical bridge landmark and I told him to park as far away from people as possible. I don't think even a rowdy biker crowd (or the group of farmers on tractors out for a nice Sunday drive) would appreciate my Wookiee impression or really foul mood. We took a quick drink of water and smoked a cigarette and decided to head home. After we passed the convoy of tractors at 90 miles an hour I made the giant mistake of asking how many miles before we got home….another temper tantrum commenced. Husband asks if he should leave me on the side of the road, drive all the way home and come back to pick me up with the car. Hell to the no….I was super frickin’ sun burnt and DONE! When we reached the garage he made the comment, “I guess I should just sell the bike then!” My reply, “I guess you should have married someone  that enjoys riding motorcycles!!!” Yeah, that didn't solve much. Guess I am done with the bike for another year…especially since it took me loads of conditioner and 20 minutes of brushing ripping my hair out to get it un-snarled.

I think my hair looked something like this when I screamed, "This is NOT a good look for me!?!?!?"

This is the untold story about a plan of Carb Domination.....

I had a revelation after my Ass article. Gardettos are the food of the Devil. They are the complete opposite of Ambrosia (the food of the Gods in case you never watched Xena). I solely base the growth of any part of my body on Gardettos. Now, I am not saying go out and eat a bag if you want a little boost in the brassiere or ship several hundred bags to some starving children in Ethiopia, I am simply saying that those delicious bags of heaven are not heaven sent…they are from the Devil himself and can be the perfect Patsy to my delusional theory about any weight gain I may experience.

Damn you General Mills and your tasty treats! OH.MY.GOD! Revelation number two of the day….General Mills is Satan! Did you know that he is the distributor of Betty Crocker frosting, Shake n Pour Buttermilk Pancakes, Hamburger Helper, Bugles and a shit load or Brownie mixes?!?!? (Bugles clearly must have been a letdown for The General on his plan of world domination because I seriously didn’t even know you could buy that shit anymore.) People, General Mills is the Lucifer of Carbs and MUST BE STOPPED! Too bad I ate a bag of Gardettos today and am in too much Carb overload to form any coherent plan of attack…. Oh well, maybe some other day.

Ass Wednesday

The Catholic girl in me is totally red-faced about the title of this, but seriously peeing her pants on the inside for how clever it is.

I was walking to the bathroom at work and just happened to glance to the left when I  saw my ass reflecting back at me in the office windows…..It.Was.Frightening! I am officially out of excuses. No, it is NOT the pants….It is not me just having a "fat ass day." Nope, its not even the glare from some solar flash highlighting my rear at the exact moment I was looking and then blowing the image up to three times the size it is in reality. (Pretty sure that lame ass logic isn’t fooling anybody on how my lame ass has gained weight.)

This sucks! I went from moving and grooving for 10 hours a day to sitting on my flabby lady hump for about 10 hours a day….this was inevitable. Lord give me the strength to start doing squats and running and not eating constantly at my desk. Lord, please turn the other cheek for the title of this particular blog in order to grant my serenity and a more toned derriere. Lord (or whoever is listening at this point b/c I am pretty sure He didn’t turn the other cheek) please make it so I no longer have to shoe horn myself into my own pants. Amen



Nope, I can't even blame THIS CHAIR!!?!?