How I Fell in Love with Another Donut and Then Had Personal Struggles with a Co-worker's Saucy Balls.....

We had a food today which also led me to firmly believe that this week has been a sort of Christmas for Chubby and/or Pregnant ladies in my neck of the woods. I wake up one morning to find a pair of maternity jeans I ordered on my front deck, get to work and find treat bags at my desk, plus there was a bake sale and then food day today in which I came across the BEST glazed donut again. Mexican Fiesta asked me for a description of what this donut tasted like…. and this was my response:  “like a cloud from heaven dropped down to earth and bathed in a sea of angel kissed sugary glaze” Seriously, I think I have a condition. A donut obsession that should be addressed… but not too quickly.

There is not a good way to break into this next segment, it is still food day related so you will have to deal, but anyhoo… a guy that works in my dept always brings his saucy balls to our food days. I don’t necessarily have a problem with his meaty balls… I have a problem with the sauce that accompanies them. It is a chunky sauce… and I refuse to have it in my mouth. I refuse to swallow chunky sauce… ever. I don’t swallow regular sauce at home so I refuse to swallow this guy’s sauce.

So the whole issue with said guy’s balls makes me think of Schweddy Balls from SNL and then a whole pile of hilarity ensued through IM. (Which I had to quickly educate my co-worker Mamma Sassypants in the joys of Sweddy Balls because I am slowly exposing to her to the world of pop culture references that may be slightly beyond her time.)

Me:

Totally can smell Doug's saucy balls over here......

Mamma Sassypants:

stop!

Me

nope

I am going to IM and tell him to keep a tight lid on his saucy balls b/c the smell of them makes me nauseous

I know you like to bring them to every occasion Dude, but seriously...

put ‘em away already

Mamma SP:

lol

i wanna know what he says

Me

I am totally not having a convo like that with Dude

I don't wanna know where it will end up

Mamma SP:

now i'm GOLing

Me:

it could be interesting though

bring our relationship to a whole new level

we're tight like that…

*emoticon of boy and girl with arms outstretched towards each other* after the bags competition back in the day

Mamma SP:

lol

Anyway, I am almost out of my lunch break time… but don’t worry, I will keep this up as the day goes on and Dude continues to frequent the food area to coat his balls in sauce…. Nobody wants dry balls... those are definitely not going in my mouth either.

Mmmm.... Saucy Balls

Holding Back

Mostly just my family knows this, but Hubby and I were pregnant last summer and lost the baby. I am now sitting here at almost 16 weeks with this little Flutter Bean still growing. Why Flutter Bean? First time I saw it was at 8 weeks... Baby was the size of a kidney bean and the first thing that struck me was this crazy fluttering on the screen of the heart beat. I melted a bit that day and cried some too. I think it was not only a mixture of joy and relief that I felt, but I think I mourned a bit too for the loss last year.

Only a few people in my life consistenly ask me how I am feeling/doing, and I appreciate them a great deal. Just the other night I was asked if I "have a feeling of what the baby is." I can honestly say I don't. I feel like I am in this limbo stage. I saw the baby once, heard the baby once and now is the waiting game for more proof I guess. Proof that the Bean (or you can refer to Baby as Gummy Bear if you want, which the ultrasound tech so lovingly refered to it as. "Look at that perfect Gummy Bear," she said when he/she appeared on the screen) is in fact still in there and thriving.

I am amazed (and slightly guilt ridden) at how much the loss we went through last year has impacted my experience this time. I want to fall in love, but the fear of something going wrong is unreal... it if suffocating. I cannot wait for my appointment in November. The one where I get to not only know what this Baby is, but the second time I can see Baby. Proof again, it seems that proof is the only way to come out of this limbo. I also am waiting for the day when my little Flutter Bean will have the strength to finally kick me and say, "Hey Lady, I am in here. Love me already!" Here's to the day I can stop holding back and fall in love.

An Open Love Letter to a Donut......

I am going to blame the fetus for this one, but this week at work is "Customer Service Week" and we have been blessed with a jeans and treats kind of week. This morning Orange Juice was brought to our desks and then a freakin' glazed donut! I totally tossed my healthy yogurt aside to demolish the sugar drenched carb cake and let me tell you what, it. was. HEAVEN. I enjoyed this donut so much that I ate a half of someone elses and then proceeded to share an open love letter to my donut via IM:

Hello Donut,

Where have you been all morning? Oh how I have missed you.... you make my day so much brighter

Sincerly,

A lady in love with a donut

P.S.

your sweet delicious glaze......

your fluffy middle.....

P.S.S. Hello Pretty!

A really big, really lame list of reasons I have completely abandoned my blog for like a month...

Drum Roll please....................

1.       Rehab

2.       Alien abduction

3.       Dead

4.       Kidnapped by a foreign, wealthy family of royalty for slavery purposes.

5.       Plastic Surgery

6.       Researching a new species deep in the Africa Jungle

7.       Vacation

8.       Vampires feeding off of me and slowly turning me into the Undead

9.       Comma

10.   Jail

11.   I’m lazy

12.   I HAD A REALLY, REALLY BIG SECRET AND KNEW IF I BLOGGED I WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO KEEP MY THIS SECRET…………………………..

Are you ready to hear the secret??

B
race yourself……..

I’m pregnant!! I think I need no further reasoning…thank you very much…or you can deal with the hormonal rages I am sometimes prone too. I promise I will now be a better blogger.

How freakin' creepy is this thing??

Proof of Alien Life

I got this email from a co-worker today:

From: Co-worker
Sent: Thursday, August 11, 2011 1:14 PM
To: Me

Subject: thats odd

And this was my response:

From: Me

Sent: Thursday, August 11, 2011 1:19 PM
To: Co-worker

Subject: RE: thats odd

Ummmmmmm……… he must have hit his turbo button and forgot he had his trailer hitched?

Rocket jet fuel power?

Or a helicopter dropped it there.

All sound theories I think.

I should be a detective

Oh wait, maybe Aliens did it.

Thought there were some cows in there, but they grabbed the wrong trailer…..

Fail on the cow mutilations Aliens. Epic fail.

Just something to talk about tomorrow at work if you were running out of conversation pieces. P.S. Good call co-worker on knowing the type of weird shit I will obsess about for days to come. Thanks!

Eating Healthier...not necessarily safer

     I have been on a kick lately of taking fruit to work in the morning. Yesterday I had apple slices and a few strawberries. I swear to God the apple tried to kill me....it tried to rip my throat out from the inside! After sharing this with a few people at work I determined the following:

1: Eating healthier is not always a safe life choice.

2: This particular apple was from"Satan's Orchard." I should have read the sticker better before my purchase.

3: Maybe the urban legend about razor blades in candy at Halloween actually came from the painful reaction people had when the skin of their delicious healthy fruit gouged out their esophagus?

4: Junk food doesn't violently kill you. It does it slowly and blissfully. As soon as my eyes were done watering and I could see where I was walking, I headed to the "work store" (real name ommitted, but a cabinet filled with goodies for around 60 cents a piece) and dropped 2 bucks to save my life.

5: It's always the red apples that are poisoned. See below exhibits A and B:
     A) In Snow White the witch used a red apple
     B) A friend of mine in high school was allergic to the skin of red apples

6: Witches are taking over the world

7: I will now take donuts to work.



Put down the red apple bitch...
those are not happy carbonation bubbles..
eat a candy bar instead...
it could save your life!



Cruising the Loop....and still turning after 10 years.

     My husband turns the big 3 0 in just a few short weeks, so I have been thinking about him a lot more than usual. Not a good thing, not a bad thing, it is what it is. In pondering his turning 30, I realized that in just a few short months after this epic birthday, he and I will have been together for 10 years. That poor bastard has spent 1/3 of his life with me. I think I am going to need to buy him a bigger gift....oh yeah, he got a truck, he is not getting a gift this year. Back to the point. I wanted to share with you the start of our relationship almost 10 years ago. A time when I was a lot more fun and we actually enjoyed each other's company.

     I come from a very small community where there is not a whole lot to do for teenagers but drink and "cruise" around...preferably not at the same time or together, but since I was a kid who did not actually drink in high school I had to partake in a lot of "cruising the loop." Cruising the loop consisted of driving in a big loop through the main part of the town my high school was in. Oh joy, oh goodie, right turn again. *Gasp* We took a left turn??!??! This is unchartered territory folks, let the fun begin.

     Anyway, it was my Sophomore year in high school and I was super cool because I was getting to cruise with a senior. During one part of our circle while listening to "California Dreaming" (the bass was turned up so loud in this car you couldn't hear parts of the chorus mind you), we saw/heard a very loud, dark green Ford F150 truck headed our way. I didn't know this truck because I had never seen it at school. Both drivers recognized each other and pulled over to chat. I got introduced to this guy by his last name and that was that.

     Fast foward a week and find me cruising again with my best friend. A douche bag classmate of mine is chucking change at my car every time we pass each other, which is just not cool, and what did I see/hear? A big, loud, dark green Ford F150 pulling up to town. Hey, I sort of barely know that dude, I'll flag him down all damsel in distress like. I shoved my boobs hand out the window to get his attention. It works! (I was way hotter back then.) The truck pulled up and I asked if my friend and I could ride around with him because of the earlier mentioned douche bag. Hop on in!

***The rest of this story will make me sound like a complete trollop (I have never used that word in my LIFE), but I promise I was really just a great tease. 

     After making our 3rd or 4th round of the loop I had detected a pattern...me and Inspector Gadget right? I think this stranger man is taking the corners just a smidge tight....tight enough that I happen to be sliding into him on every turn. Dude, we met like 15 seconds ago, BUT with me being the great tease with no filter in sight, I finally say out loud what I had been thinking the entire ride: "If you want me in your lap, all you've gotta do is ask." No way!?!? Did that just come out of my mouth?? Me, the girl that has kissed a total of 2 boys EVER! Lord save me, but it worked. This guy bought it hook line and sinker....and has been hooked on me ever since.

     For the following year we practically spent every minute of our weekends together getting to know each other, cruising and talking. By the following November of this story, we were officially "dating" and it took him that long to actually get to earn a kiss from me. Don't worry, the whole lap thing came way later!

     Happy early birthday to my best friend - the man I plan on cruising throught the next 55 years with.....give or take a few....or unless you buy another vehicle.....

"Imagine the one of the right with boobs and hair......"