And we're off.....to a great weekend!!!! *Insert lots of sarcasm when you read this*

Good morning all!!! I just thought I would pop on here and tell you all how I am off to an Ah-mazing start to my 3 day holiday weekend. It all started yesterday at work when I realized I had absolutely no plans for my holiday weekend. None. So glad we decided to move to a small town 40 minutes from anyone we know, yet continue to work in another town 40 minutes from that just to make sure we stand no chance of meeting anyone new!

After work: I got home to a Husband that looked like he was ready to murder even the cutest, tiniest, fluffy bunny just for breathing, but insisted on telling me he was fine. Umm.. ok? After about an hour of silence and me just enjoying the nice cold air in our house (97 degrees out yesterday...heat index of 9 billion with a dew point of 99%) he asked if I wanted to go to the races. You want me to go sit outside in this dryer like heat for 4 hours to watch cars go around and around a dirt oval? Thank you, but no. So he went by himself. Nice, me sitting at home on a Friday night........

After races: Husband and I sat outside for awhile having a few drinks since the temp was down to about 85 (much better huh?). Oh, and by few I mean me having one fruity  masterpiece and him having 4 tall boys. Go inside, find a movie to watch and this is when burn number 2 happens.... I don't know when it was exactly that I realized he was no longer in the bathroom and my how odd it was he didn't tell me he was heading up to bed, but I shut the TV off and headed upstairs myself. What did I find? No husband. The man that had just left me home on a Friday night had freakin' gone into our computer room where the Dog was and slept on the FUTON with him....all night.....instead of sleeping in a BED.... with Me!

Call Dr. Phil, Jerry Springer or Maury - scratch that, this is not a paternity dispute- just tell whoever it is that I have a great topic for their next show,  "I am jealous and suspicious of a 90 pound, 3 year old, black Labradane...he is taking over my marriage."

Tonight is not looking any better...........

Cubicle Mascott

A few "blocks" away from my cubicle some die hard Twilight fan has a very large cutout of Edward by their desk. This prompted a brilliant plan from my fellow cubie for us to get a mascott. After some discussion I came up with the idea of getting a Mr. Potato head we can prop up and change his face daily to match our moods. I guess it would be a sort of "don't piss me off" warning or "Shit, this is going to be a long day..." memo. Fellow Cubbie said all I had to do now was find said Potato at a garage sale. Dude, pretty sure they still sell them...and of course I had to prove this point by some online shopping and once I knew I was right I sent the following:

Mr. Potato head has gone ghetto….circa 1980s….look at him with his smug look and turned up moustache….he thinks he is to good to roll with us at our cubicles…….



Right now I know you are all jealous that you don't get the glorious experience of having me as your co-worker.....yeah, I said it!

Munchausen for Dogs

I am terrified we are going to get investigated for animal cruelty. Last Monday our big baby Diesel had a minor surgery to remove an abscess from his neck. I told my Husband that we needed to take the collar in just to show people that it is not too tight. I can fit four of my fingers in it! Turns out he had some fairly common skin tumor - no biggy. Stitches and four antibiotic pills a day.

Sunday we noticed that he was limping - with the opposite foot that he sometimes does. Ask him to sit and pick up his right foot and see that his pads are swollen and weeping. What the hell now? My husband refers to the girls at the Vet Clinic as Diesel's "Girlfriends." I believe his has taken this whole go to the vet every other week to visit a little too far. Sunday night I put antibiotic on his paw, covered that in gauze and threw a tube sock over it all - which had him high stepping like a mini pony.

By Tuesday morning I knew I had to get him back into the vet. He has a possible bacterial infection OR a yeast infection in his paw. I explained this to a co-worker today and she asked the very reasonable question of, "Isn't you dog a boy?" Well yes, but we are talking about his paw, not his vag! To make a long story short, I have a plan which I quickly emailed to Best Friend:

So I have decided that Diesel will need to get a job to pay for his vet bills. Surgery last Monday and now I have to take him in later today because something is wrong with his front right foot. If you know of anyone that needs a large animal to pull a plow maybe, or till their garden, pass my number along. There might be a few weeks wait so the foot can heal, but after that it is all work and no play for the moose. Either that or I will end up in jail because they are going to think I am being cruel to my animal!

God help me but I love my Shelter Mutt. He is probably one of the highlights of the last year and this past year has included purchasing our first home.





I Know What You are Doing in There!?!?!?

I HATE public restrooms! I really wish I was one of those people that announces they have to “take a dump” or come back from doing such a task and share the details. Nope, not me, I am the opposite. I don’t want anyone to know that I have to do that, let alone know when I AM doing that. While living with my parents I wouldn’t even take a deuce if I knew someone was on the same level of the house as me. Who you calling modest?? Hence the topic of this blog, me hating public restrooms.

Maybe I have some sixth sense about it, but I can always tell when I walk into the bathroom at work and someone is in a stall trying to poop. Or trying to stall their poop because they know someone just walked in, whatever way you want to look at it. I know why you are in there!!! You were in there when I came in, you were still in that stall when I peed, still sitting on the can when I washed my hands and yup, still there when I left. Maybe I am crossing some unknown bathroom etiquette boundary here, but have you ever looked at the person’s shoes in the next stall? Maybe happen to see that their toes are completely scrunched - puckered almost as bad as their butt hole is because they are trying to hold the BM? And what the hell?? I actually saw the bottom of a ladies right shoe once….and I was on her left. Was she seriously crossing her legs over there??

I.do.not poop in public restrooms! Round of applause for the people in the world that are regular and can go whenever and wherever. Standing ovation (and vomiting in my mouth) for my husband the truck driver who has shared some seriously desperate emergency-type of bathroom situations with me. I guess when you are on the road at 3 a.m. in the middle of BFE you will make a bathroom anywhere. Home is where the heart is and shit is where you leave it I guess.

But alas, my intestines are severely modest and slightly confused on what appropriate behavior is for a digestive system so I will forever be the girl holding her poop at work (not in my hand weirdos) or when visiting a friend for the weekend or vacationing…..Just thought you would like to know.

P.S. Don't google "sitting on a toilet," there are some sick people in this world....

Confessions of a Boring and Tired Loser

Sorry to disappoint again, my 5 loyal followers…it has almost been a week since my last blog. Did that totally sound like a really sad version of a Catholic confession? Bless me bloggers for I have sinned, it has been 5 days since my last blog and these are my excuses….yup pretty close.


Excuse 1: Big Sis got married (finally) so that took up all of Friday and Saturday


Excuse 2: Sunday is God’s day…a day for rest - so I couldn’t even exercise my brain with some witty dialogue.


Excuse 3: I took Monday off just to make sure I had enough recovery time from the wedding event of the century - or a massive hangover - or just to have enough time to catch up on household shit *which I totally did not do*.


Excuse 4: I am lame and boring.


Excuse 5: I am spiraling downward into a dark abyss which is slowly sucking my drive to want to go to work, or cook, or wake up, or move from the couch.


Well this was exhausting. I am going to go take a nap now. Maybe I will “see” you in another week.

You Put Your Right Foot in......

I experienced my first ever spray tan last night. Pretty sure I called a week in advance to check on a few things first though:

1) Do I stand in a booth or do I stand naked in front of stranger and let them spray paint me? Booth
2) Are walk-ins welcome? Certainly
3) How much? First one is free
4) How soon can I do the second spray tan after the first? Within 24 hours 

Since I found all of these answers pretty agreeable, I decided I couldn’t pass it up and went there after work. There was a lady in line ahead of me signing up for her first spray so we bonded. She was going somewhere tropical for a vacation so I was instantly jealous, but quickly enjoyed making her laugh. We got to take the “spray tan for dummies” crash course together and after telling the 2 high school aged, skinny, tan associates how I would have backed out had I found out they manually sprayed the stuff on naked people, new stranger friend agreed. Skinny tan associate #1 says, oh I have had one of those spray tans done before and I didn’t mind. My reply: if I looked like you kiddo I would have no problem standing naked anywhere getting a manual spray tan from anyone. Stranger Lady Friend agreed that she would probably get one in the middle of the street if she looked like skinny girl. See? BONDINGJ

So when Stranger Lady Friend was in getting her first spray tan I got to sit in the lobby on a pretty kick ass chair waiting for my turn. While I was sitting in the comfy glider chair I could hear SLF’s spray tans session. The spray booth was giving her directions!?!? WTF? I didn’t realize I would have to hop on the U.S.S. Enterprise and get beamed 30 years into the future to listen to some uppity bitch computer tell me how to stand. SLF got out of her 10 minute spray session and her only words of wisdom were, “It’s sticky.” Sounds like my Friday nights *wink wink*. My turn was up.

I followed skinny associate into the room to face the spray booth. After explaining all of the rules to me and demonstrating how on the third position I would need to hold my arms differently, I was on my own. While the spray booth was warming up, and repeating that she was doing just that, I covered my hair in the paper cap and coated the bottoms of my feet and palms with Vaseline. Thoroughly lubed up, I was ready to face the spray tan.

I stepped in the booth and waved my hand in front of the sensor indicating that I was ready and off we went. I swear I kept waiting for the booth to say, “Put your right foot in, put your right foot out, put your right foot in and shake it all about.” Every time she said, “Spraying in 3, 2, 1” I shut my eyes and held my breath - "Don't breath, don't breath...." Who knows what toxic stuff is in that mist. My lungs take enough abuse from the smoking, thank you very much. I did my four right turns placing my feet on the appropriate numbers much like Twister and waited for the drying period to be done.

A few hours later I have to say I was pretty impressed with the results. Except for my right hand. You can totally tell where the Vaseline migrated from my palm to in between and on top of half of my fingers. My fingers are now bi-racial. Nice look dontcha think? I think I may just go again Friday to see if I can piss spray booth off. Like every teacher, boss, co-worker and spouse (past, present and future) she will learn that I don’t follow directions well when I start doing random Vogue poses yelling “Cheese“ like I am in a photo booth. That’ll learn her!

How much do I LOVE Will Ferrell for this picture right now??

Shakin' What My Mamma Gave Me....

   I bought a Shake Weight in preparation for Big Sister's wedding. I bought it 7 days before her wedding in fact. If this thing tones my arms up in 7 days, not only will I buy stock in the Shake Weight empire, I will buy 2 dozen and hand them out to homeless people at a soup kitchen. Even the "less fortunate" deserve buff biceps and trim triceps right?

   I tried new work out methods with this shake weight tonight. Hold the Shake Weight out with the right arm extended to the right side, bend right leg at the knee. Bounce right hip up and down in the best Shakira impersonation possible and shake said shake weight in a foward and backwards motion. Repeat with left side. Pretty sure I looked like a major jackass bouncing my giggly bits in all kinds of opposite directions repeating, "Shakira, Shakira!" but I feel the burn already. 

Did you know that  you are supposed to use the Shake Weight for only 6 minutes a day?? Sounds easy right? Just try it! I get about 2 minutes in, switch arm positions, shake for another 30 seconds and am done. That's what she said..... The entire time I use this thing I have the following playing in my mind: