August 11, 2011

Proof of Alien Life

I got this email from a co-worker today:

From: Co-worker
Sent: Thursday, August 11, 2011 1:14 PM
To: Me
Subject: thats odd

And this was my response:

From: Me
Sent: Thursday, August 11, 2011 1:19 PM
To: Co-worker
Subject: RE: thats odd

Ummmmmmm……… he must have hit his turbo button and forgot he had his trailer hitched?
Rocket jet fuel power?
Or a helicopter dropped it there.
All sound theories I think.

I should be a detective

Oh wait, maybe Aliens did it.
Thought there were some cows in there, but they grabbed the wrong trailer…..

Fail on the cow mutilations Aliens. Epic fail.

Just something to talk about tomorrow at work if you were running out of conversation pieces. P.S. Good call co-worker on knowing the type of weird shit I will obsess about for days to come. Thanks!

August 5, 2011

Eating Healthier...not necessarily safer

     I have been on a kick lately of taking fruit to work in the morning. Yesterday I had apple slices and a few strawberries. I swear to God the apple tried to kill tried to rip my throat out from the inside! After sharing this with a few people at work I determined the following:

1: Eating healthier is not always a safe life choice.

2: This particular apple was from"Satan's Orchard." I should have read the sticker better before my purchase.

3: Maybe the urban legend about razor blades in candy at Halloween actually came from the painful reaction people had when the skin of their delicious healthy fruit gouged out their esophagus?

4: Junk food doesn't violently kill you. It does it slowly and blissfully. As soon as my eyes were done watering and I could see where I was walking, I headed to the "work store" (real name ommitted, but a cabinet filled with goodies for around 60 cents a piece) and dropped 2 bucks to save my life.

5: It's always the red apples that are poisoned. See below exhibits A and B:
     A) In Snow White the witch used a red apple
     B) A friend of mine in high school was allergic to the skin of red apples

6: Witches are taking over the world

7: I will now take donuts to work.

Put down the red apple bitch...
those are not happy carbonation bubbles..
eat a candy bar instead...
it could save your life!

August 4, 2011

Cruising the Loop....and still turning after 10 years.

     My husband turns the big 3 0 in just a few short weeks, so I have been thinking about him a lot more than usual. Not a good thing, not a bad thing, it is what it is. In pondering his turning 30, I realized that in just a few short months after this epic birthday, he and I will have been together for 10 years. That poor bastard has spent 1/3 of his life with me. I think I am going to need to buy him a bigger gift....oh yeah, he got a truck, he is not getting a gift this year. Back to the point. I wanted to share with you the start of our relationship almost 10 years ago. A time when I was a lot more fun and we actually enjoyed each other's company.

     I come from a very small community where there is not a whole lot to do for teenagers but drink and "cruise" around...preferably not at the same time or together, but since I was a kid who did not actually drink in high school I had to partake in a lot of "cruising the loop." Cruising the loop consisted of driving in a big loop through the main part of the town my high school was in. Oh joy, oh goodie, right turn again. *Gasp* We took a left turn??!??! This is unchartered territory folks, let the fun begin.

     Anyway, it was my Sophomore year in high school and I was super cool because I was getting to cruise with a senior. During one part of our circle while listening to "California Dreaming" (the bass was turned up so loud in this car you couldn't hear parts of the chorus mind you), we saw/heard a very loud, dark green Ford F150 truck headed our way. I didn't know this truck because I had never seen it at school. Both drivers recognized each other and pulled over to chat. I got introduced to this guy by his last name and that was that.

     Fast foward a week and find me cruising again with my best friend. A douche bag classmate of mine is chucking change at my car every time we pass each other, which is just not cool, and what did I see/hear? A big, loud, dark green Ford F150 pulling up to town. Hey, I sort of barely know that dude, I'll flag him down all damsel in distress like. I shoved my boobs hand out the window to get his attention. It works! (I was way hotter back then.) The truck pulled up and I asked if my friend and I could ride around with him because of the earlier mentioned douche bag. Hop on in!

***The rest of this story will make me sound like a complete trollop (I have never used that word in my LIFE), but I promise I was really just a great tease. 

     After making our 3rd or 4th round of the loop I had detected a and Inspector Gadget right? I think this stranger man is taking the corners just a smidge tight....tight enough that I happen to be sliding into him on every turn. Dude, we met like 15 seconds ago, BUT with me being the great tease with no filter in sight, I finally say out loud what I had been thinking the entire ride: "If you want me in your lap, all you've gotta do is ask." No way!?!? Did that just come out of my mouth?? Me, the girl that has kissed a total of 2 boys EVER! Lord save me, but it worked. This guy bought it hook line and sinker....and has been hooked on me ever since.

     For the following year we practically spent every minute of our weekends together getting to know each other, cruising and talking. By the following November of this story, we were officially "dating" and it took him that long to actually get to earn a kiss from me. Don't worry, the whole lap thing came way later!

     Happy early birthday to my best friend - the man I plan on cruising throught the next 55 years with.....give or take a few....or unless you buy another vehicle.....

"Imagine the one of the right with boobs and hair......"