October 7, 2011

How I Fell in Love with Another Donut and Then Had Personal Struggles with a Co-worker's Saucy Balls.....

We had a food today which also led me to firmly believe that this week has been a sort of Christmas for Chubby and/or Pregnant ladies in my neck of the woods. I wake up one morning to find a pair of maternity jeans I ordered on my front deck, get to work and find treat bags at my desk, plus there was a bake sale and then food day today in which I came across the BEST glazed donut again. Mexican Fiesta asked me for a description of what this donut tasted like…. and this was my response:  like a cloud from heaven dropped down to earth and bathed in a sea of angel kissed sugary glaze” Seriously, I think I have a condition. A donut obsession that should be addressed… but not too quickly.

There is not a good way to break into this next segment, it is still food day related so you will have to deal, but anyhoo… a guy that works in my dept always brings his saucy balls to our food days. I don’t necessarily have a problem with his meaty balls… I have a problem with the sauce that accompanies them. It is a chunky sauce… and I refuse to have it in my mouth. I refuse to swallow chunky sauce… ever. I don’t swallow regular sauce at home so I refuse to swallow this guy’s sauce.

So the whole issue with said guy’s balls makes me think of Schweddy Balls from SNL and then a whole pile of hilarity ensued through IM. (Which I had to quickly educate my co-worker Mamma Sassypants in the joys of Sweddy Balls because I am slowly exposing to her to the world of pop culture references that may be slightly beyond her time.)

Totally can smell Doug's saucy balls over here......

Mamma Sassypants:

I am going to IM and tell him to keep a tight lid on his saucy balls b/c the smell of them makes me nauseous

I know you like to bring them to every occasion Dude, but seriously...

put ‘em away already

Mamma SP:
i wanna know what he says

I am totally not having a convo like that with Dude
I don't wanna know where it will end up

Mamma SP:
now i'm GOLing

it could be interesting though

bring our relationship to a whole new level

we're tight like that…

*emoticon of boy and girl with arms outstretched towards each other* after the bags competition back in the day

Mamma SP:

Anyway, I am almost out of my lunch break time… but don’t worry, I will keep this up as the day goes on and Dude continues to frequent the food area to coat his balls in sauce…. Nobody wants dry balls... those are definitely not going in my mouth either.

Mmmm.... Saucy Balls

October 6, 2011

Holding Back

Mostly just my family knows this, but Hubby and I were pregnant last summer and lost the baby. I am now sitting here at almost 16 weeks with this little Flutter Bean still growing. Why Flutter Bean? First time I saw it was at 8 weeks... Baby was the size of a kidney bean and the first thing that struck me was this crazy fluttering on the screen of the heart beat. I melted a bit that day and cried some too. I think it was not only a mixture of joy and relief that I felt, but I think I mourned a bit too for the loss last year.

Only a few people in my life consistenly ask me how I am feeling/doing, and I appreciate them a great deal. Just the other night I was asked if I "have a feeling of what the baby is." I can honestly say I don't. I feel like I am in this limbo stage. I saw the baby once, heard the baby once and now is the waiting game for more proof I guess. Proof that the Bean (or you can refer to Baby as Gummy Bear if you want, which the ultrasound tech so lovingly refered to it as. "Look at that perfect Gummy Bear," she said when he/she appeared on the screen) is in fact still in there and thriving.

I am amazed (and slightly guilt ridden) at how much the loss we went through last year has impacted my experience this time. I want to fall in love, but the fear of something going wrong is unreal... it if suffocating. I cannot wait for my appointment in November. The one where I get to not only know what this Baby is, but the second time I can see Baby. Proof again, it seems that proof is the only way to come out of this limbo. I also am waiting for the day when my little Flutter Bean will have the strength to finally kick me and say, "Hey Lady, I am in here. Love me already!" Here's to the day I can stop holding back and fall in love.

October 3, 2011

An Open Love Letter to a Donut......

I am going to blame the fetus for this one, but this week at work is "Customer Service Week" and we have been blessed with a jeans and treats kind of week. This morning Orange Juice was brought to our desks and then a freakin' glazed donut! I totally tossed my healthy yogurt aside to demolish the sugar drenched carb cake and let me tell you what, it. was. HEAVEN. I enjoyed this donut so much that I ate a half of someone elses and then proceeded to share an open love letter to my donut via IM:

Hello Donut,

Where have you been all morning? Oh how I have missed you.... you make my day so much brighter

A lady in love with a donut

your sweet delicious glaze......
your fluffy middle.....

P.S.S. Hello Pretty!

September 21, 2011

A really big, really lame list of reasons I have completely abandoned my blog for like a month...

Drum Roll please....................

1.       Rehab
2.       Alien abduction
3.       Dead
4.       Kidnapped by a foreign, wealthy family of royalty for slavery purposes.
5.       Plastic Surgery
6.       Researching a new species deep in the Africa Jungle
7.       Vacation
8.       Vampires feeding off of me and slowly turning me into the Undead
9.       Comma
10.   Jail
11.   I’m lazy

Are you ready to hear the secret??

race yourself……..

I’m pregnant!! I think I need no further reasoning…thank you very much…or you can deal with the hormonal rages I am sometimes prone too. I promise I will now be a better blogger.

How freakin' creepy is this thing??

August 11, 2011

Proof of Alien Life

I got this email from a co-worker today:

From: Co-worker
Sent: Thursday, August 11, 2011 1:14 PM
To: Me
Subject: thats odd

And this was my response:

From: Me
Sent: Thursday, August 11, 2011 1:19 PM
To: Co-worker
Subject: RE: thats odd

Ummmmmmm……… he must have hit his turbo button and forgot he had his trailer hitched?
Rocket jet fuel power?
Or a helicopter dropped it there.
All sound theories I think.

I should be a detective

Oh wait, maybe Aliens did it.
Thought there were some cows in there, but they grabbed the wrong trailer…..

Fail on the cow mutilations Aliens. Epic fail.

Just something to talk about tomorrow at work if you were running out of conversation pieces. P.S. Good call co-worker on knowing the type of weird shit I will obsess about for days to come. Thanks!

August 5, 2011

Eating Healthier...not necessarily safer

     I have been on a kick lately of taking fruit to work in the morning. Yesterday I had apple slices and a few strawberries. I swear to God the apple tried to kill me....it tried to rip my throat out from the inside! After sharing this with a few people at work I determined the following:

1: Eating healthier is not always a safe life choice.

2: This particular apple was from"Satan's Orchard." I should have read the sticker better before my purchase.

3: Maybe the urban legend about razor blades in candy at Halloween actually came from the painful reaction people had when the skin of their delicious healthy fruit gouged out their esophagus?

4: Junk food doesn't violently kill you. It does it slowly and blissfully. As soon as my eyes were done watering and I could see where I was walking, I headed to the "work store" (real name ommitted, but a cabinet filled with goodies for around 60 cents a piece) and dropped 2 bucks to save my life.

5: It's always the red apples that are poisoned. See below exhibits A and B:
     A) In Snow White the witch used a red apple
     B) A friend of mine in high school was allergic to the skin of red apples

6: Witches are taking over the world

7: I will now take donuts to work.

Put down the red apple bitch...
those are not happy carbonation bubbles..
eat a candy bar instead...
it could save your life!

August 4, 2011

Cruising the Loop....and still turning after 10 years.

     My husband turns the big 3 0 in just a few short weeks, so I have been thinking about him a lot more than usual. Not a good thing, not a bad thing, it is what it is. In pondering his turning 30, I realized that in just a few short months after this epic birthday, he and I will have been together for 10 years. That poor bastard has spent 1/3 of his life with me. I think I am going to need to buy him a bigger gift....oh yeah, he got a truck, he is not getting a gift this year. Back to the point. I wanted to share with you the start of our relationship almost 10 years ago. A time when I was a lot more fun and we actually enjoyed each other's company.

     I come from a very small community where there is not a whole lot to do for teenagers but drink and "cruise" around...preferably not at the same time or together, but since I was a kid who did not actually drink in high school I had to partake in a lot of "cruising the loop." Cruising the loop consisted of driving in a big loop through the main part of the town my high school was in. Oh joy, oh goodie, right turn again. *Gasp* We took a left turn??!??! This is unchartered territory folks, let the fun begin.

     Anyway, it was my Sophomore year in high school and I was super cool because I was getting to cruise with a senior. During one part of our circle while listening to "California Dreaming" (the bass was turned up so loud in this car you couldn't hear parts of the chorus mind you), we saw/heard a very loud, dark green Ford F150 truck headed our way. I didn't know this truck because I had never seen it at school. Both drivers recognized each other and pulled over to chat. I got introduced to this guy by his last name and that was that.

     Fast foward a week and find me cruising again with my best friend. A douche bag classmate of mine is chucking change at my car every time we pass each other, which is just not cool, and what did I see/hear? A big, loud, dark green Ford F150 pulling up to town. Hey, I sort of barely know that dude, I'll flag him down all damsel in distress like. I shoved my boobs hand out the window to get his attention. It works! (I was way hotter back then.) The truck pulled up and I asked if my friend and I could ride around with him because of the earlier mentioned douche bag. Hop on in!

***The rest of this story will make me sound like a complete trollop (I have never used that word in my LIFE), but I promise I was really just a great tease. 

     After making our 3rd or 4th round of the loop I had detected a pattern...me and Inspector Gadget right? I think this stranger man is taking the corners just a smidge tight....tight enough that I happen to be sliding into him on every turn. Dude, we met like 15 seconds ago, BUT with me being the great tease with no filter in sight, I finally say out loud what I had been thinking the entire ride: "If you want me in your lap, all you've gotta do is ask." No way!?!? Did that just come out of my mouth?? Me, the girl that has kissed a total of 2 boys EVER! Lord save me, but it worked. This guy bought it hook line and sinker....and has been hooked on me ever since.

     For the following year we practically spent every minute of our weekends together getting to know each other, cruising and talking. By the following November of this story, we were officially "dating" and it took him that long to actually get to earn a kiss from me. Don't worry, the whole lap thing came way later!

     Happy early birthday to my best friend - the man I plan on cruising throught the next 55 years with.....give or take a few....or unless you buy another vehicle.....

"Imagine the one of the right with boobs and hair......"

July 31, 2011

A Night of Good Vibrations.....

     A friend of ours texted us this week to see if we had any plans Saturday night because his Step Dad’s band was opening up for Quiet Riot on the Riverfront. “When and where??“ I asked. “7 at the Riverfront ” “Ok, you are going to have to give me some directions later.” At work that day I Google the band and Google the town we are going to, maybe there is a bar named the Riverfront or something and he just assumes I know this. Nope, he literally means the town’s river front since we are talking the annual Great River Day of Muscatine. Well I must look like an ass.

Duh...what Riverfront??

     So we go to enjoy the music stylings of Here Kitty Kitty, Seven Shy (freakin Utube them NOW) and Quiet Riot. (Of course we had to take the new truck….again I say, “Gas prices be DAMNED!”) We were surrounded by the most interesting mix of people that has ever gone to a rock concert in the history of rock - ever. I bet Here Kitty Kitty, the band is from L.A., thought Iowa was full of the biggest bunch of redneck freaks known to man. I was embarrassed for all of my fellow Iowans, but enjoyed making fun of several at the same time. Don’t judge me.

     We watch Here Kitty Kitty for the first time in our lives…please for the love of God do a cover of No Doubt ladies, that is what you should be doing…..and then Seven Shy takes the stage. This band is a local celebrity, they draw a huge crowd, they won Battle of the Bands in 2009; in summary: these guys rock. The talent level ratchets up several (hundred) degrees and so does the sound. My old man Husband turns to me and says, “This is really loud.” A few songs later he even shares with us all the fact that his, “nuts are rattling in their sack.” Wow, another reason for us all to love Rock and Roll: feeling the music pound in your chest and having your nuts vibrate by the bass line. Rock on people, rock on!

July 30, 2011

I think I just donated to Locks of Hate

     I am writing this as I sit on my couch and Google hair extensions and wigs. How come I can go into a hair salon and show them two pictures of what I want my hair to look like and not only do they make it look NOTHING like the picture, but they also manage to make it about 3 inches shorter than it should be? I HAVE NO FUCKING HAIR! People with round chubby faces LIKE hair….preferably shoulder length or longer. This is bullshit. I need a hat STAT. Too bad I have to hoard my paid time off for the terrible winter driving conditions that will take place later this year or I would request the next too weeks off of work and lie in bed with all of the lights turned off rocking back and forth cuddling Halloween wigs.

What I wanted.......

What I got....and I am so not this cute right now...or ever!

Living outside of our means....and possibly more in the means of someone that can purchase a small island.

     This week has been full of lots of new and terrifying things. The biggest one right now is the new truck Husband had to have. We have had discussions about his need for a new vehicle. I thought maybe he was convinced to go with something a little more fuel efficient, but the fact of the matter is simply this: my Husband is a big truck kind of guy. A man's man. Gas prices be damned!

     So I leave work Wednesday night and turn my phone off of silence and see that I have a few texts. Text one from Husband: " Call me as soon as you can plz" Text two from Husband: "I am going to look at a new truck. Nothing set in stone." My heart dropped into my feet. I know Husband. He wants it, he gets it. Period. End of story.

     Guess what? The salesman was also very willing to stay a little later at the office so I could also take a look at this heck of a deal, once in a lifetime opportunity, super awesome pick up truck. I went with him to look at it....and test drive it....and fill out the paperwork for it. Ladies and gents we are now the proud owners of a newer truck for Husband....and I am officially the terrified homeowner with 3 vehicle payments. Shoot me in the foot right now!

Not gonna lie....she's a pretty girl...

Again I say thank God for the Best Friend that knows how to roll through all of these emotional milestones with me:

From: Me
Sent: Thursday, July 28, 2011 2:42 PM
To: Best Friend
Subject: The lord failed me

So we are getting the truck…. Here’s to me living the poor life!


From: Best Friend
Sent: Thursday, July 28, 2011 2:58 PM
To: Me
Subject: RE: The lord failed me

Oh honey, it will be okay! J  I hate to say it—but everyone is always poor—some people are really good at making it look like they aren’t.

Best Friend

From: Me
Sent: Thursday, July 28, 2011 3:00 PM
To: Best Friend
Subject: RE: The lord failed me

I am talking poor like eating dirt in the back yard and wearing my underwear one day and flipping it inside out the next day to cut down on my water bill.


From: Best Friend
Sent: Thursday, July 28, 2011 3:03 PM
To: Me
Subject: RE: The lord failed me

Well, at least you have a nice fenced in backyard so your neighbors can’t watch you eat dirt for supper….. And wait a minute—doesn’t everyone flip their underwear inside out to wear it twice?

Best Friend

Seriously love her, she gets me.

July 19, 2011

Productive Works Habits....this series will last about 3 months...and then I will be collecting unemployment.

Seriously, it is amazing that I accomplish anything at all at work.

I have to retract my European BBall statement for (this really wild name).....and change it to European supermodel...it is a woman

Mexican Fiesta:
good supermodel name

DOB: 6/16/1916 lol
Mexican Fiesta:
oh man that did devastating damage to the mental image i have in my head

Mexican Fiesta:
(crying face)

Mexican Fiesta:

just imagine back 80 years ago.....get creative...hop in your time machine!
Mexican Fiesta:
u mean my freaking covered wagon

**This might seem long...but it is totally worth the read...don't turn back now...it's good, I promise!**
last name: Halfmann
Better name: Mai Ai Lam Phan
Mexican Fiesta:
lol chinese dishes served by a midget

I think I like the way this name is listed in our system better...........LAM PHAN MAI AI

Mexican Fiesta:
lol lol

hehe makes me giggle just trying to pronounce it in my head
Mexican Fiesta:
kinda sounds like a hawaiian tropical alcoholic drink

I just keep going Lamb Fan My Eye!
I don't know why....

look at the sky
me and Dr. Suess

we go way back

Mexican Fiesta:
lol back with the snuffalufagus trees
wait....what were those trees called?

ok what trees?
Mexican Fiesta:
the dr suess trees

I don't know? Which book?

Mexican Fiesta [10:33 AM]:
not sure, one sec
the one with the lorax

Me [10:33 AM]:
Google is amazing
Truffula Trees, Swomee-Swans, Brown Bar-ba- loots, and Humming-Fishes

so Truffula trees?
Mexican Fiesta:

so what the heck are:
Swomee-Swans, Brown Bar-ba- loots, and Humming-Fishes
Amazon.com mentions those with the Truffula trees

Mexican Fiesta:
no clue
i have to brush up on my dr. suess
i'd ask someone who has kids

I will find out!
Do you want to know when I find out?

Mexican Fiesta:
yes i do

There are Bar-ba-Loots (resembling bears) that frolic about and eat fruit from the trees, Swomee (Swans) that fly through the air and sing as they go, and Humming Fish that go swimming about in the ponds and humming as they swim. But the Once-ler is only interested in the beauty of the Truffula Trees.

Mexican Fiesta:

A boy (representing the reader) comes to a desolate corner of town to visit a being called the Once-ler (who is never shown throughout the book except for his arms and hands) and learns about the Lorax

Mexican Fiesta:
are u reading the book right now?

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Mexican Fiesta:
holy cow u do know dr suess then, u and him are real tight

he fathered my illegitmate children
the ones I keep in the closet

Mexican Fiesta:
do they have striped arms and look like little furry animals?
and eat green eggs and ham?

With bright orange wild hair
crazy little things

Mexican Fiesta:
Diesel must love them

***Disclaimer...this is me attempting to shamelessly whore my blog out...I need more followers***

From: Me
Sent: Tuesday, July 12, 2011 10:16 AM
To: Fellow Foodie Co-worker
Subject: If you are ever bored at lunch and need something to read

All me right here:
From: Fellow Foodie Co-worker
Sent: Tuesday, July 12, 2011 11:07 AM
To: Me
Subject: RE: If you are ever bored at lunch and need something to read

I already read your blog (STALKER) lol I think I peed a little reading the tanning one.

From: Me
Sent: Tuesday, July 12, 2011 11:09 AM
To: Fellow Foodie Co-worker
Subject: RE: If you are ever bored at lunch and need something to read

I LOVE IT!!!!! This makes me a happy camper….you and the 3 readers I have in the Maldives….. where the heck is that by the way? I should probably at least google these sad and lonely people in a land far far away…maybe donate to their country since clearly they live in a desolate place.


July 17, 2011

Rides, Rip-offs and Road Apples....Oh my!

     I didn’t venture out to the county fair last year and I can’t really even remember why. It might have had something to do with the insane heat or maybe I was in one of my funks after moving to BFE. Anyway, we went to the fair two nights this weekend and I learned a few things during the festivities:

     1. I hate the heat. I am too vain to enjoy sitting outside in 95 degree heat while my hair curls and frizzes trying its best to impersonate Bozo the clown and my boobs are swimming in their own pool of cleavage sweat.

     2. Much to my husband’s dismay, I really don’t enjoy racing. I like figure eight races, but I think it is just all of the chaos and carnage I get to see. Maybe I am a little sadistic?

     3. My future daughters, should I have daughters, will be in a nunnery at age 13. I saw way too many 15 year old girls pushing babies in strollers this weekend. I also saw the ass cheeks of way too many 15 year old girls. To my future daughters, “You will NOT, under any circumstances, leave my house with shorts on that you can’t see under your shirt and if you can’t walk up flight of stairs in them without someone seeing the inside of you ass cheeks. Period. End of Story.” If they don’t like the idea of the nunnery, then they will live in an Amish community instead.

     4. The tilt-a-whirl is still my favorite carnival/fair/amusement park ride. As soon as I get spun in the first 180 degree circle, I cannot stop giggling. The tilt-a-whirl is like a time machine for me. I get to be 7 again when I ride it. P.S. The Scrambler takes second place.

     5. I get a little dizzy on the spinning rides. Even though I may giggle like a little girl, I definitely am not as resilient as I used to be.

     6. Fireworks still amaze me.  

     7. I will never let my children participate in bull riding. I had anxiety and serious heart palpitations watching little 6 year old boys getting thrown off of mini bulls. One boy got carried out of the arena after getting stomped on. Nope, doesn’t matter how much padding, bubble wrap and duct tape you use, I would not be able to watch a child I knew do that.


     8. The food vendors at the fair make a killing. I paid 5 bucks for a funnel cake....but I have no regrets.


  9. Sadly, the smell of manure makes me think of back home....good ol' farm country.

July 12, 2011

A Rose by Any Other Name...........

     I am not a historian or a linguist or even a creationist, and am way too lazy to actually look any of this up, but who got to make the final decision on the names of body parts or verbs or nouns? I guess I want to know where language even started. This is like the chicken or the egg debate for me. So cave men drew pictures and grunted the meanings, but who turned those grunts into actual verbs and nouns? And why did they get the honor?
     What if whoever decided to name our hands hands and feet feet had made different decisions? I don’t know about you, but I can’t imagine myself wiping my ass with my feet. Or wait, what if ass wasn’t the name, what if I pooped out of my ear and then wiped it with my feet. OMG. This could go on forever…because poop might not be poop anymore.
    I think for just one day we should all walk around and jumble up the words we know when speaking. Example:
Current language:
                "I am going to walk the dog before I cook supper. When I get back wash your hands."
Alternative language:
                "I am going to trip the monkey before I defecate chicken. When I pitter patter, dirty your feet."
     How messed up is this? Chicken could be the new word for supper and then my husband would slowly die of starvation because he gets sick and tired of eating chicken! Think about it people because I know I have. Eventually it makes my elbow hurt from thinking too hard.

"Thanks for telling me Steve, I have been calling it noodle."

July 8, 2011

Let's do the Time Warp Again.....With Even More Horror!

Someone must have drugged my ass, carried me out of my house and sat me in a time machine that has been set for 1954. That is the ONLY explanation for why I must be the ONLY person in my house (just two of us mind you) that has to do anything. I need to go buy an apron and a poodle skirt so I can stand in my kitchen looking the part of the 50’s housewife I am expected to be. Really?

I would love to get home at noon and be able to do something. Yes, I know, Husband leaves at un-Godly hours of the night (like two a.m.) but does he realize how hard is it to get anything done when you live in Podunk Iowa and leave for work at 7 am and get home and 6pm? Shit closes at 4:30 here. I am super sick of having to come home and figure out what to feed the man, plus thaw the meat, prep the other ingredients, cook/bake/flash fry the meal EVER SINGLE NIGHT. I love how when I make a move towards the kitchen I get asked, "What are you making?". But hey, if something our in the garage needs to be done you better believe that shit will be complete in 20 minutes.

God help me that I actually thought we could go out and do something tonight and that I wouldn‘t have to cook. Remember last Friday? I thought it was too fucking hot to sit on aluminum bleachers in the sun and watch cars go round and round. So what did hubby do? Left me at home. Why can’t I do that? Why must I feel guilty if I make plans that don’t include him?
I need a life stat! It is really frightening when everything you are and how you define yourself is tied up to the person you married. It is also depressing. And pathetic. People should not go through life giving 110% to someone and getting about 80% back. It is bullshit. Help!

July 7, 2011

More Productive Work Habits...

I think I am going to have make this a weekly event. Maybe "Part" it out. This one would be Part 2 in case you didn't know:

was that you that just sprayed cologne?
Mexican Fiesta (he totally asked to have that as his nickname. He went to Mexico for his honeymoon and has never been the same):
you know it
Mexican Fiesta:
so fresh and so clean
I was concerned for a moment that I was having a stroke
some people smell coffee....maybe I was smelling cologne lol
Mexican Fiesta:

**Before you read this one, please note that I realized as soon as I typed it that I was thinking Enunciation, but yes, I am still a moron**

{Client Name} lives on Annunciation street
really? who is that big of a literary lover they had to name a street Annunciation

Mexican Fiesta:
is that a block over from Seasame St? LOL
Me: and 2 from Mr. Roger's Way
Mexican Fiesta:
and barney lives down the street in La La land
with the teletubbies
hehe and the Count is the Mayor......1 street, 2 street ahahhaa
Mexican Fiesta: too funny
**This co-worker in learning to speak German as a hobby……**

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!
I will buy you a coke!
Coke Love German Speaking Guy:Humor me... gotta practice this so I don't loose it.
Du Kaufen mich eine Coke? Schone!!
You buy me a coke? Sweet!
Darn it!
My translation would have been AWESOME!
You drink coke in a coffin? Shame on you.....
that would have been my guess
CLGSG: Ich triken Coke in meinen Grab! I drink Coke in my grave. lol. strange germans!
Me: hmmmmmm.
my translation of that one would NOT have been very clean

**A little while later**

ok, np, all good, alle gute!
Me: gutentagen?
gluten free?
garbanzo beanJ

Yikes, I don't even want to try to find that out in german!!
Me: This is like word association for me.......you say a german word and I shoot a word out that it reminds me of! 

All in all I'd say it was a pretty productive day.


July 3, 2011

The Tale of High Priority Emails.............

     A while back my long time hotmail account was hacked and never recoverable, so I linked my Husband's email address to my phone and told people to use that. I noticed last week that the "high priority" emails that are delivered to his email address tell a tale... the tale that my Husband is in fact a large chested, geriatric woman who still likes to get around. See for yourself:

Subject: Genie Bra Blowout Sale
*Would that bra be for me? Or for my husband?

Genie Bra - Exclusive Offer. Buy 3 get 3 free.

Subject: Sexy and Supportive Bras
**No cool picture, but these carry AA to LL....OMG, LL???

Subject: Defective Hip Replacement Recalls
***Apparently it's not just your back that is affected by large breasts....

Subject: Go Anywhere with a Wheel Chair Van
****With that faulty hip and those double L boobies chances are you will need a wheelchair van.

Subject: Enjoy Handcrafted Amish Furniture In Your Home
*****No pictire again, but at least you got that Wheelchair van so you can cart home your old fashion, ridiculously over-priced amish dining set - jumbo boobs riding shotgun.

Subject: Here’s How to Help Yourself if You are Depressed
******The fact that your Guiness Book sized boobs have caused major distrress on your body causing the need for even a hip replacement surgery, which ended up being faulty and put you in a wheel chair causing you to buy a wheelchair van, would probably make anyone suicidal.

Subject: Buy Burial Insurance Online
******Fuck it, just give up already!

July 2, 2011

And we're off.....to a great weekend!!!! *Insert lots of sarcasm when you read this*

Good morning all!!! I just thought I would pop on here and tell you all how I am off to an Ah-mazing start to my 3 day holiday weekend. It all started yesterday at work when I realized I had absolutely no plans for my holiday weekend. None. So glad we decided to move to a small town 40 minutes from anyone we know, yet continue to work in another town 40 minutes from that just to make sure we stand no chance of meeting anyone new!

After work: I got home to a Husband that looked like he was ready to murder even the cutest, tiniest, fluffy bunny just for breathing, but insisted on telling me he was fine. Umm.. ok? After about an hour of silence and me just enjoying the nice cold air in our house (97 degrees out yesterday...heat index of 9 billion with a dew point of 99%) he asked if I wanted to go to the races. You want me to go sit outside in this dryer like heat for 4 hours to watch cars go around and around a dirt oval? Thank you, but no. So he went by himself. Nice, me sitting at home on a Friday night........

After races: Husband and I sat outside for awhile having a few drinks since the temp was down to about 85 (much better huh?). Oh, and by few I mean me having one fruity  masterpiece and him having 4 tall boys. Go inside, find a movie to watch and this is when burn number 2 happens.... I don't know when it was exactly that I realized he was no longer in the bathroom and my how odd it was he didn't tell me he was heading up to bed, but I shut the TV off and headed upstairs myself. What did I find? No husband. The man that had just left me home on a Friday night had freakin' gone into our computer room where the Dog was and slept on the FUTON with him....all night.....instead of sleeping in a BED.... with Me!

Call Dr. Phil, Jerry Springer or Maury - scratch that, this is not a paternity dispute- just tell whoever it is that I have a great topic for their next show,  "I am jealous and suspicious of a 90 pound, 3 year old, black Labradane...he is taking over my marriage."

Tonight is not looking any better...........

July 1, 2011

Cubicle Mascott

A few "blocks" away from my cubicle some die hard Twilight fan has a very large cutout of Edward by their desk. This prompted a brilliant plan from my fellow cubie for us to get a mascott. After some discussion I came up with the idea of getting a Mr. Potato head we can prop up and change his face daily to match our moods. I guess it would be a sort of "don't piss me off" warning or "Shit, this is going to be a long day..." memo. Fellow Cubbie said all I had to do now was find said Potato at a garage sale. Dude, pretty sure they still sell them...and of course I had to prove this point by some online shopping and once I knew I was right I sent the following:

Mr. Potato head has gone ghetto….circa 1980s….look at him with his smug look and turned up moustache….he thinks he is to good to roll with us at our cubicles…….

Right now I know you are all jealous that you don't get the glorious experience of having me as your co-worker.....yeah, I said it!

June 29, 2011

Munchausen for Dogs

I am terrified we are going to get investigated for animal cruelty. Last Monday our big baby Diesel had a minor surgery to remove an abscess from his neck. I told my Husband that we needed to take the collar in just to show people that it is not too tight. I can fit four of my fingers in it! Turns out he had some fairly common skin tumor - no biggy. Stitches and four antibiotic pills a day.

Sunday we noticed that he was limping - with the opposite foot that he sometimes does. Ask him to sit and pick up his right foot and see that his pads are swollen and weeping. What the hell now? My husband refers to the girls at the Vet Clinic as Diesel's "Girlfriends." I believe his has taken this whole go to the vet every other week to visit a little too far. Sunday night I put antibiotic on his paw, covered that in gauze and threw a tube sock over it all - which had him high stepping like a mini pony.

By Tuesday morning I knew I had to get him back into the vet. He has a possible bacterial infection OR a yeast infection in his paw. I explained this to a co-worker today and she asked the very reasonable question of, "Isn't you dog a boy?" Well yes, but we are talking about his paw, not his vag! To make a long story short, I have a plan which I quickly emailed to Best Friend:

So I have decided that Diesel will need to get a job to pay for his vet bills. Surgery last Monday and now I have to take him in later today because something is wrong with his front right foot. If you know of anyone that needs a large animal to pull a plow maybe, or till their garden, pass my number along. There might be a few weeks wait so the foot can heal, but after that it is all work and no play for the moose. Either that or I will end up in jail because they are going to think I am being cruel to my animal!

God help me but I love my Shelter Mutt. He is probably one of the highlights of the last year and this past year has included purchasing our first home.