April 12, 2011

I am NOT a Cowboy....

It is TWO o’clock in the morning. I have to get up in approximately 3 hours.

It started about 45 minutes ago when the husband’s cell phone/alarm clock did its late night tribute to an 80’s Rock Legend, busting through the late silence by cranking out, “Imma Cowboy, on a steel horse I ride. I’m wanted, WANTEEEDD, dead or alive”……….snooze…….. “Imma Cowboy, on a steel horse I ride”…….me saying husband’s name sweetly…..snooze…… “Imma Cowboy, on a steal horse I ride” me flopping in the bed and sighing/growling aggressively…….. “I’m wanted, WANTEEEDD”….me tapping husband’s shoulder…….Snooze………….“Imma CowboySMACK SHOULDER AND SWEAR………surprise/sneak attach snooze in which I think it is shut off…….repeat steps 1 through smack. Husband bitching,but finally up and out of bed saying, “Light” in order to let me prepare myself for the onslaught of blinding white. EVERY FRICKING (weekday) MORNING!!

But tonight, or this morning, or whatever the frick it is, there was an addition. Somewhere between “WANTEEEEDDD” and “dead or alive” there was a CRASH downstairs. I was like the Road Runner all “Beep Beep” throwing off my blankets and heading toward the noise and my husband was like Droopy Dog all “Loud sound? Crash? Ah, what could that have been?” and walking toward the stairs with audible Dum-dee-dum-dee-DUMBASS music playing to his every step. Good to know if anyone ever breaks in to my house that I will be the one shot first for running to the danger. It is like my Dad says, “You can’t fly like and Eagle when you are working with a bunch of turkeys” Amen, Dad, A-men!

Oh, you probably want to know what the noise was? Just my Dog again with the 5 ½ foot reach deciding he would also like to try my bubble pizza recipe and pulling the pan off of the back of the stove. My glass pan with super glass pan powers that did not break! SORRY, I am not Susie Homemaker who does every dish after a meal. The pan was hot and needed to cool down and we didn’t eat til 8 because I can never leave work and I totally put the leftovers in containers and put them in the fridge. So there!

About to Run Droopy's ass over!

April 7, 2011

It's like Transformers, but in musical form!

My sister introduced me to Pandora. Pandora is this amazingly smart website that lets you plug in a song or an artist you love and build a “radio station” around that choice. She won’t play the exact song you type in, oh no, she will pull something out of the vault that is similar and hook you on to a new musical masterpiece. Pandora is smart. Pandora scares the shit out of me!

I listen to some pretty obscure music and a large variety of stuff because my multiple personalities always argue over what they want to hear. My iPod is full of music that ranges from YoYo Ma to System of a Down. Yeah, I like a lot of music. I enroll in a daily music therapy because that has always been the way I express myself. I have different play lists to fit my mood. Music can make me work smarter, clean faster and love harder. Music is inspiration for me.

So why does Pandora scare me? She knows me! Pandora can totally peer into my soul and pull out the most random unknown artist and play him or her for me. Ever heard of a song called Transylvanian Concubine by Rasputina? No? Well Pandora has and the sneaky bitch knew I liked it. I am just waiting for the day where she accesses my bank account and starts to shop for me. One day there will be this huge UPS box on my front deck with a giant bow and card that says “To: Beth From: Pandora I thought you would like this new wardrobe I picked out. I think these colors will look great on you!” Seriously, it is like the movie Transformers when all of the machines start to revolt. I am sure someday when she does not feel appreciated enough she will rebel!

I think Shia Labeouf pissed her off...RUN!!!

April 6, 2011

Diary of a Dieter...let me just say this was a loooong time ago!

Diary of a Dieter:

So my sister’s blog has recently inspired me for a couple of reasons:
  1. She is going Atkins…no more delicious breads, pastas or potatoes.
  2. Her blogs on the insanity of carb depravation are hilarious
Recently Like two months ago I joined a “Live Healthy Iowa” team to shed a few…and by few I mean 30….pounds. Today One day a few months ago was the first day and to prepare myself for this day I had been sort of training and mentally preparing myself. I have a few vices – Mt. Dew and any of the above mentioned non – Atkins friendly foods and had been limiting myself on those joys (i.e. 1 can of Mt. Dew a day).

Day 1 goes went something like this:

I woke up 20 minutes early (which is an ungodly hour of the morning anyway) pulled my hair up in pony tail, threw on a sports bra, some leggings and a fantastic banana yellow T-shirt from a MS walk a few years back.

Proceed to my basement. In my basement lies a fantastic machine that I got for FREE (yes people, free) from someone that works in the same building I do. Let us ignore the fact that I got this machine about a month three months ago and have been on it a total of one time! This machine is called the Fitness Flyer. Never heard of it? Think Tony the Pony with his spandex pants and ball cap with that crazy, curly - messy blonde hair fighting the back of the cap for some air and his Gazelle craze.

To warm up I do a few squats and stretches and then obediently place my hands on the center bar per machine’s direction for safety when mounting the machine. Off I go. I have my iPod playing and tell myself, “Ok, you are going to stay on this machine for about 3 or 4 songs.” (This was a trick I used during my days of tanning to give myself a good estimate of how much time had passed  - the average song is what 3 ½ minutes?) Sounds like a good plan to me. ½ way through my first song I realized something. I am severely out of shape and the tension setting was turned up waaaay too much on this contraption. Short interlude where I turn the tension down so far the dial falls out...... Longer recess when I have to get off the machine, pick up said dial and carefully screw it back in; but not too tight, I wouldn’t want to overly exert my fluffy body. Don't. judge. me.

I make it through.... about a good 15 minutes on the lower setting, step off and decide I will jump rope a little bit for a “cool down” Was I nuts? Jump roping is sooo not a cool down. That was the “stick a fork in me I am done” down.  Oh wait, the fork broke? I guess I was overdone then.

I definitely did not look this happy......or buff!

EKGs and Tan Lines

So I had to go the E.R. two weeks ago. I had been having crazy chest pain and had already brushed off a few previous episodes, but something needed to be done. You want to know the fast way to be seen in an Emergency Room? Say chest pain! I am 26 years old and kept saying, “It’s on the RIGHT side of my chest” but that doesn’t matter, they get you in quicker than you can say, well, “chest pain.”

Back in the room I go. The nurse orders an EKG and 4 people show up in my room. I go through all of the normal questions: “When did the pain start?” “On a scale of 1 - 10, what do you rate the pain.” “Have you started a new exercise routine lately?” Well, the pain started around 1:30 p.m. (it was then 8:30 p.m.), the pain at 1:30 was like an 8 but had lessened to about a 4, and quite the opposite for the exercise….I switched from a fast paced Retail Management position to a sit on my ass at a desk job.

Chubby nurse with tattoos begins the process of hooking up the EKG and tells me that I can NOT move when he does his magic with the EKG machine…but he will tell me when that time comes. Frantically I look around because I have gum in my mouth that I have been furiously chewing….it has lost all flavor and now I am sure that I will chomp on it during the “freeze” stage of the EKG. My eyes land on my husband and I give him my “please take this gum from me” face, to which he replies, “Just tuck it in your cheek.” Helpful as always. After a few more meaningful faces (basically variations of the “do it or die” face) he takes the gum from me and the time has come to freeze! I don’t know if you have ever had an EKG, but the freeze period is about 3.4 seconds….I definitely could have kept the gum!

After they determined that I was not suffering from a heart attack, the process slowed down just a bit from there as one would imagine. Finally a Doctor (who was about 127 years old) came in and I fell in love….which I tend to do with Doctors in that age range. What is it about them? They know their crap and have a MUCH better bed side manner than the less aged (in my mind that word is Age -Ed???) Doctors. He starts poking and prodding around my chest and asking me more questions, to which I say, “I really expected a chest ray and to be sent on my way.” Thank God I still have the touch with older men, because he agreed with me!

Proceed to chest X-ray…..

Back to room…..wait awhile…….enter Doctor Time. He says the word Costochondritis and I hear a game show sound that goes off when you win because I had SO self diagnosed myself via the internet already! Should have been a Doctor! Basically the cartilage where my ribs attach to my breastbone is inflamed, don’t know what cause it and it should go away on its own.

Now the fun part since we know I am not dying. My husband, who has pretty much been bored to tears the entire time, lights up like a Christmas tree because he realizes that he can “help” peel off the little sticky doo-dads that held the wires on me for the EKG. Not only did I learn a new medical term (Costochondritis) that night, I also got to learn that my husband is sadistic. “Let me help get those sticky things off of you honey,” he says sweetly while he s-l-o-w-l-y pulls the tabs off with chunks of flesh from my chest. When all 18 of them (ok like 8) were off of my chest he moved to the 2 on the bottom of my legs. I have been using a self tanner lotion for my sister’s upcoming wedding and what do you think will happen when those tabs get pulled off? I totally called it again because, sure enough, tabs come off and I have 2 perfectly white squares on the middle of my shins. Lovely! Maybe I will start a new trend for spring?