June 29, 2011

Munchausen for Dogs

I am terrified we are going to get investigated for animal cruelty. Last Monday our big baby Diesel had a minor surgery to remove an abscess from his neck. I told my Husband that we needed to take the collar in just to show people that it is not too tight. I can fit four of my fingers in it! Turns out he had some fairly common skin tumor - no biggy. Stitches and four antibiotic pills a day.

Sunday we noticed that he was limping - with the opposite foot that he sometimes does. Ask him to sit and pick up his right foot and see that his pads are swollen and weeping. What the hell now? My husband refers to the girls at the Vet Clinic as Diesel's "Girlfriends." I believe his has taken this whole go to the vet every other week to visit a little too far. Sunday night I put antibiotic on his paw, covered that in gauze and threw a tube sock over it all - which had him high stepping like a mini pony.

By Tuesday morning I knew I had to get him back into the vet. He has a possible bacterial infection OR a yeast infection in his paw. I explained this to a co-worker today and she asked the very reasonable question of, "Isn't you dog a boy?" Well yes, but we are talking about his paw, not his vag! To make a long story short, I have a plan which I quickly emailed to Best Friend:

So I have decided that Diesel will need to get a job to pay for his vet bills. Surgery last Monday and now I have to take him in later today because something is wrong with his front right foot. If you know of anyone that needs a large animal to pull a plow maybe, or till their garden, pass my number along. There might be a few weeks wait so the foot can heal, but after that it is all work and no play for the moose. Either that or I will end up in jail because they are going to think I am being cruel to my animal!

God help me but I love my Shelter Mutt. He is probably one of the highlights of the last year and this past year has included purchasing our first home.

June 23, 2011

I Know What You are Doing in There!?!?!?

I HATE public restrooms! I really wish I was one of those people that announces they have to “take a dump” or come back from doing such a task and share the details. Nope, not me, I am the opposite. I don’t want anyone to know that I have to do that, let alone know when I AM doing that. While living with my parents I wouldn’t even take a deuce if I knew someone was on the same level of the house as me. Who you calling modest?? Hence the topic of this blog, me hating public restrooms.

Maybe I have some sixth sense about it, but I can always tell when I walk into the bathroom at work and someone is in a stall trying to poop. Or trying to stall their poop because they know someone just walked in, whatever way you want to look at it. I know why you are in there!!! You were in there when I came in, you were still in that stall when I peed, still sitting on the can when I washed my hands and yup, still there when I left. Maybe I am crossing some unknown bathroom etiquette boundary here, but have you ever looked at the person’s shoes in the next stall? Maybe happen to see that their toes are completely scrunched - puckered almost as bad as their butt hole is because they are trying to hold the BM? And what the hell?? I actually saw the bottom of a ladies right shoe once….and I was on her left. Was she seriously crossing her legs over there??

I.do.not poop in public restrooms! Round of applause for the people in the world that are regular and can go whenever and wherever. Standing ovation (and vomiting in my mouth) for my husband the truck driver who has shared some seriously desperate emergency-type of bathroom situations with me. I guess when you are on the road at 3 a.m. in the middle of BFE you will make a bathroom anywhere. Home is where the heart is and shit is where you leave it I guess.

But alas, my intestines are severely modest and slightly confused on what appropriate behavior is for a digestive system so I will forever be the girl holding her poop at work (not in my hand weirdos) or when visiting a friend for the weekend or vacationing…..Just thought you would like to know.

P.S. Don't google "sitting on a toilet," there are some sick people in this world....

June 15, 2011

Confessions of a Boring and Tired Loser

Sorry to disappoint again, my 5 loyal followers…it has almost been a week since my last blog. Did that totally sound like a really sad version of a Catholic confession? Bless me bloggers for I have sinned, it has been 5 days since my last blog and these are my excuses….yup pretty close.

Excuse 1: Big Sis got married (finally) so that took up all of Friday and Saturday

Excuse 2: Sunday is God’s day…a day for rest - so I couldn’t even exercise my brain with some witty dialogue.

Excuse 3: I took Monday off just to make sure I had enough recovery time from the wedding event of the century - or a massive hangover - or just to have enough time to catch up on household shit *which I totally did not do*.

Excuse 4: I am lame and boring.

Excuse 5: I am spiraling downward into a dark abyss which is slowly sucking my drive to want to go to work, or cook, or wake up, or move from the couch.

Well this was exhausting. I am going to go take a nap now. Maybe I will “see” you in another week.

June 9, 2011

You Put Your Right Foot in......

I experienced my first ever spray tan last night. Pretty sure I called a week in advance to check on a few things first though:

1) Do I stand in a booth or do I stand naked in front of stranger and let them spray paint me? Booth

2) Are walk-ins welcome? Certainly
3) How much? First one is free
4) How soon can I do the second spray tan after the first? Within 24 hours 

Since I found all of these answers pretty agreeable, I decided I couldn’t pass it up and went there after work. There was a lady in line ahead of me signing up for her first spray so we bonded. She was going somewhere tropical for a vacation so I was instantly jealous, but quickly enjoyed making her laugh. We got to take the “spray tan for dummies” crash course together and after telling the 2 high school aged, skinny, tan associates how I would have backed out had I found out they manually sprayed the stuff on naked people, new stranger friend agreed. Skinny tan associate #1 says, oh I have had one of those spray tans done before and I didn’t mind. My reply: if I looked like you kiddo I would have no problem standing naked anywhere getting a manual spray tan from anyone. Stranger Lady Friend agreed that she would probably get one in the middle of the street if she looked like skinny girl. See? BONDINGJ

So when Stranger Lady Friend was in getting her first spray tan I got to sit in the lobby on a pretty kick ass chair waiting for my turn. While I was sitting in the comfy glider chair I could hear SLF’s spray tans session. The spray booth was giving her directions!?!? WTF? I didn’t realize I would have to hop on the U.S.S. Enterprise and get beamed 30 years into the future to listen to some uppity bitch computer tell me how to stand. SLF got out of her 10 minute spray session and her only words of wisdom were, “It’s sticky.” Sounds like my Friday nights *wink wink*. My turn was up.

I followed skinny associate into the room to face the spray booth. After explaining all of the rules to me and demonstrating how on the third position I would need to hold my arms differently, I was on my own. While the spray booth was warming up, and repeating that she was doing just that, I covered my hair in the paper cap and coated the bottoms of my feet and palms with Vaseline. Thoroughly lubed up, I was ready to face the spray tan.

I stepped in the booth and waved my hand in front of the sensor indicating that I was ready and off we went. I swear I kept waiting for the booth to say, “Put your right foot in, put your right foot out, put your right foot in and shake it all about.” Every time she said, “Spraying in 3, 2, 1” I shut my eyes and held my breath - "Don't breath, don't breath...." Who knows what toxic stuff is in that mist. My lungs take enough abuse from the smoking, thank you very much. I did my four right turns placing my feet on the appropriate numbers much like Twister and waited for the drying period to be done.

A few hours later I have to say I was pretty impressed with the results. Except for my right hand. You can totally tell where the Vaseline migrated from my palm to in between and on top of half of my fingers. My fingers are now bi-racial. Nice look dontcha think? I think I may just go again Friday to see if I can piss spray booth off. Like every teacher, boss, co-worker and spouse (past, present and future) she will learn that I don’t follow directions well when I start doing random Vogue poses yelling “Cheese“ like I am in a photo booth. That’ll learn her!

How much do I LOVE Will Ferrell for this picture right now??

June 8, 2011

Shakin' What My Mamma Gave Me....

   I bought a Shake Weight in preparation for Big Sister's wedding. I bought it 7 days before her wedding in fact. If this thing tones my arms up in 7 days, not only will I buy stock in the Shake Weight empire, I will buy 2 dozen and hand them out to homeless people at a soup kitchen. Even the "less fortunate" deserve buff biceps and trim triceps right?

   I tried new work out methods with this shake weight tonight. Hold the Shake Weight out with the right arm extended to the right side, bend right leg at the knee. Bounce right hip up and down in the best Shakira impersonation possible and shake said shake weight in a foward and backwards motion. Repeat with left side. Pretty sure I looked like a major jackass bouncing my giggly bits in all kinds of opposite directions repeating, "Shakira, Shakira!" but I feel the burn already. 

Did you know that  you are supposed to use the Shake Weight for only 6 minutes a day?? Sounds easy right? Just try it! I get about 2 minutes in, switch arm positions, shake for another 30 seconds and am done. That's what she said..... The entire time I use this thing I have the following playing in my mind:

June 7, 2011

Change of Venue

I am posting this with complete and total fear that my Big Sister might kick me out of her wedding all together....but I am posting this with love and hope. Lots and lots of hope that if she does read this she will see the humor in it. Again, because it comes from a place of love.

I received a text today from Big Sister (whom is 4 days away from her wedding) stating that her wedding will now be held out the UIHC Pysch ward. The DJ lost EVERYTHING for their wedding Saturday. I texed her back for some clarification on the word EVERYTHING, because her everthing can be my 30%, and have yet to hear a response...4 hours later.

Being the pre-emptive girl that I am, I quickly sent out an email to my best friend who happens to be a future guest at this wedding.  It goes like this:

Subject: Change of Venue

I got a text from Bridezilla today...and I quote "the wedding is now going to be at the UIHC psych ward Saturday...the DJ lost EVERYTHING!!!" I thought I would pass this along so you can dress accordingly. Robe and slippers maybe?? Bwahahahaha!

Reply to Change of Venue:

I will show in my robes and slippers. Perhaps rollers still in my hair ?

Reply Back:

Streaks of mascara running down our faces...maybe I will carry a stuffed animal and shuffle my feet down the aisle calling "here kitty kitty!"

Final Reply:

Sounds good!

God, I love my sister for such great material and I love my best friend for just hopping on and enjoying the ride with me. Again, this comes from love Big Sister. Your wedding will be amazing and you will have the time of your life regardless of what is and isn't there or does and doesn't happen. P.S. Please don't kick me out of  your wedding....

"Here Kitty Kitty!"

June 4, 2011

Whatever gets your rocks off....

Last Monday we ripped out some really horendous bushes in the front of the house and decided to fill the area with river rock. Maybe throw some whiskey barrels in the rock with a few flowers in them for decoration . Whatever will require the most minimal amount of maintenance possible since I am sooo not a gardener. We go to our local hardware/clothing/horse feed/garden center after we rip those ugly suckers out to buy the river rock and are told they have 19 bags on hand. The husband tells them to load them all up we'll take them. We pull the truck around and of course him and I end up throwing these heavy ass bags in the truck bed ourselves because we didn't tip for that extra service or something.

Me: Bend. Lift with knees. Grunt. Set bag in back. Count 1 bag. Repeat to bag 3. Stop. Watch and count to 17 as Husband loads the rest of the bags. Umm... last I checked 17 is less than and not an alternative to 19. There inventory is off 2 bags. No big deal. We get the money for the 2 bags credited and are told there will be more in on Wednesday. Husband checks on Friday and nope, they didn't order any more, but the computer shows 2 bags left. My Husband, politely I'm sure, tells lady that no, we bought you out last weekend. After arguing with nice sales lady, since according to her, the computer can never be wrong, husbands leaves.

Today we got to the much bigger version of our everything store in a city 40 miles away to complete the rock garden dreamscape. We buy a few things in the store and ask the cash registerist (like that title?) how many bags of the river rock they have on hand. 41. Ring 'em up says husband. We pay and head to our big red Dodge. Pull the truck around and what do we see when we get out? Not 41 bags of river rock. Not 30, not 29, not 10 but 3 bags!

The very young boys working told us that they were bringing around another pallet. Sweet, sounds good. 5 minutes pass and nothing. The boys check over the little headsets on the progress of the rock search and discover the monkey running the forklift can't find it. We devise a plan of attack. The 2 boys are going to assist in the rock hunt and we are going to sneak up all ninja like in our super-loud truck and block it in. We creep over to the secret rock breeding grounds and find out they have fled the area.

I myself have had some bad inventory results after running a retail store for many years, but how in the hell does almost 2,000 pounds of rock disappear?? I will tell you how. Someone in the middle of Iowa is also creating a landscape wonderland made from river rock but is much smarter than we are. They are driving around in the middle of the night and loading bags and bags of the shit in their horse trailer, or whatever, and high tailing it back to their home. Stupid us...we thought we would pay 3 bucks a bag for 60 bags and only take 20 home.



Productive Work Habits

Several months back the company decided to install Instant Messaging on all employees’ computers. Here are just a few of the reasons why this was a bad idea and has probably had a negative impact on production:

Example one:

10:02 AM – Me: Not only do I have Friday brain......I now have  ADHD brain
10:02 AM – Co-worker (who is like my lost sibling): hahhaha... ooh shiny
10:02 AM. -  Me: SQUIRREL!
10:02 AM – Co-worker:  HAHA
10:04 AM  – Me:   I think I just felt that cookie slide to my hips 
10:05 AM – Co-worker: HAHAHA
10:05 AM – Me: see.....something is WRONG with me today ..Can't focux..
                    or focus
10:05 AM – Co-worker: LOL focux - love it
10:05 AM – Me: Harry Potter will never find my Focux.....
10:05 AM – Co-worker: hahahahahahahahahahahaha
10:05 AM – ME: I just referenced  Harry Potter

Example two:

10:38 AM - Me My time in that piece or work would put SOMEONE to shame    
10:38 AM – Co-worker:  hahaha
10:41 AM – Co-worker: my time in this piece of work is comparable to that of a monkeys
10:41 AM – Me: LOL
10:41 AM – Co-worker: a slow retarded monkey
10:41 AM – Me: I am having the opposite problem with everything else....I
                    am more like a monkey on crack
10:41 AM – Co-worker: HAHA
10:42 AM – Co-worker:  we are like experimental monkeys - you are given crack, i am given
                                      sedatives or some sort of toxic poison that effects how my brain works

Example three:

11:41 am – Me: OOOOHHH Oooohh. New name for the day!
11:42 am – Me:   Ralph Pittle hehe
11:43 am – Co-worker: I have missed the daily name game.
11:44 am – Me: I will try harder from now on.

Yeah, pretty sure I have the brain of a 12 year old at work. I guess if I ever get fired it won’t be for my standards being too low… it will be my inability to let a 20 minute window go by without sharing something dumb in an IM. I like to call this team building…or maybe I am boosting morale?

P.S. If you have access to these anywhere I highly recommend putting
the sheep with the lovely black girl behind it..it makes people worry.