You Put Your Right Foot in......

I experienced my first ever spray tan last night. Pretty sure I called a week in advance to check on a few things first though:

1) Do I stand in a booth or do I stand naked in front of stranger and let them spray paint me? Booth
2) Are walk-ins welcome? Certainly
3) How much? First one is free
4) How soon can I do the second spray tan after the first? Within 24 hours 

Since I found all of these answers pretty agreeable, I decided I couldn’t pass it up and went there after work. There was a lady in line ahead of me signing up for her first spray so we bonded. She was going somewhere tropical for a vacation so I was instantly jealous, but quickly enjoyed making her laugh. We got to take the “spray tan for dummies” crash course together and after telling the 2 high school aged, skinny, tan associates how I would have backed out had I found out they manually sprayed the stuff on naked people, new stranger friend agreed. Skinny tan associate #1 says, oh I have had one of those spray tans done before and I didn’t mind. My reply: if I looked like you kiddo I would have no problem standing naked anywhere getting a manual spray tan from anyone. Stranger Lady Friend agreed that she would probably get one in the middle of the street if she looked like skinny girl. See? BONDINGJ

So when Stranger Lady Friend was in getting her first spray tan I got to sit in the lobby on a pretty kick ass chair waiting for my turn. While I was sitting in the comfy glider chair I could hear SLF’s spray tans session. The spray booth was giving her directions!?!? WTF? I didn’t realize I would have to hop on the U.S.S. Enterprise and get beamed 30 years into the future to listen to some uppity bitch computer tell me how to stand. SLF got out of her 10 minute spray session and her only words of wisdom were, “It’s sticky.” Sounds like my Friday nights *wink wink*. My turn was up.

I followed skinny associate into the room to face the spray booth. After explaining all of the rules to me and demonstrating how on the third position I would need to hold my arms differently, I was on my own. While the spray booth was warming up, and repeating that she was doing just that, I covered my hair in the paper cap and coated the bottoms of my feet and palms with Vaseline. Thoroughly lubed up, I was ready to face the spray tan.

I stepped in the booth and waved my hand in front of the sensor indicating that I was ready and off we went. I swear I kept waiting for the booth to say, “Put your right foot in, put your right foot out, put your right foot in and shake it all about.” Every time she said, “Spraying in 3, 2, 1” I shut my eyes and held my breath - "Don't breath, don't breath...." Who knows what toxic stuff is in that mist. My lungs take enough abuse from the smoking, thank you very much. I did my four right turns placing my feet on the appropriate numbers much like Twister and waited for the drying period to be done.

A few hours later I have to say I was pretty impressed with the results. Except for my right hand. You can totally tell where the Vaseline migrated from my palm to in between and on top of half of my fingers. My fingers are now bi-racial. Nice look dontcha think? I think I may just go again Friday to see if I can piss spray booth off. Like every teacher, boss, co-worker and spouse (past, present and future) she will learn that I don’t follow directions well when I start doing random Vogue poses yelling “Cheese“ like I am in a photo booth. That’ll learn her!

How much do I LOVE Will Ferrell for this picture right now??