October 6, 2011

Holding Back

Mostly just my family knows this, but Hubby and I were pregnant last summer and lost the baby. I am now sitting here at almost 16 weeks with this little Flutter Bean still growing. Why Flutter Bean? First time I saw it was at 8 weeks... Baby was the size of a kidney bean and the first thing that struck me was this crazy fluttering on the screen of the heart beat. I melted a bit that day and cried some too. I think it was not only a mixture of joy and relief that I felt, but I think I mourned a bit too for the loss last year.

Only a few people in my life consistenly ask me how I am feeling/doing, and I appreciate them a great deal. Just the other night I was asked if I "have a feeling of what the baby is." I can honestly say I don't. I feel like I am in this limbo stage. I saw the baby once, heard the baby once and now is the waiting game for more proof I guess. Proof that the Bean (or you can refer to Baby as Gummy Bear if you want, which the ultrasound tech so lovingly refered to it as. "Look at that perfect Gummy Bear," she said when he/she appeared on the screen) is in fact still in there and thriving.

I am amazed (and slightly guilt ridden) at how much the loss we went through last year has impacted my experience this time. I want to fall in love, but the fear of something going wrong is unreal... it if suffocating. I cannot wait for my appointment in November. The one where I get to not only know what this Baby is, but the second time I can see Baby. Proof again, it seems that proof is the only way to come out of this limbo. I also am waiting for the day when my little Flutter Bean will have the strength to finally kick me and say, "Hey Lady, I am in here. Love me already!" Here's to the day I can stop holding back and fall in love.


Lin said...

I think it's totally normal for you to be holding back 'falling in love' given what you went through last year. I've never experienced it but can only assume that having a miscarriage is something that stays with you for a while, or at least the feelings of loss do.

I wouldn't worry too much about not feeling the way you think you should feel because once you see it again & know the sex you'll be more at peace :)

SarcasmInAction said...

Limbo is the perfect word for the stage between finding out you're preggo and feeling baby moving. You obsess even then though. You count kicks and drink juice in the middle of the night to walk the little up to check on him/her. The life of a momma is a life of worry and joy mixed up.
There is no greater joy or love than that of being a mom to a little one.
But with great love can come great fear and loss. It's always with us as mommas. You can only take it one day at a time. You never know if you'll get this chance again, so TRY to give in and let it overwhelm you with happiness.