Holding Back

Mostly just my family knows this, but Hubby and I were pregnant last summer and lost the baby. I am now sitting here at almost 16 weeks with this little Flutter Bean still growing. Why Flutter Bean? First time I saw it was at 8 weeks... Baby was the size of a kidney bean and the first thing that struck me was this crazy fluttering on the screen of the heart beat. I melted a bit that day and cried some too. I think it was not only a mixture of joy and relief that I felt, but I think I mourned a bit too for the loss last year.

Only a few people in my life consistenly ask me how I am feeling/doing, and I appreciate them a great deal. Just the other night I was asked if I "have a feeling of what the baby is." I can honestly say I don't. I feel like I am in this limbo stage. I saw the baby once, heard the baby once and now is the waiting game for more proof I guess. Proof that the Bean (or you can refer to Baby as Gummy Bear if you want, which the ultrasound tech so lovingly refered to it as. "Look at that perfect Gummy Bear," she said when he/she appeared on the screen) is in fact still in there and thriving.

I am amazed (and slightly guilt ridden) at how much the loss we went through last year has impacted my experience this time. I want to fall in love, but the fear of something going wrong is unreal... it if suffocating. I cannot wait for my appointment in November. The one where I get to not only know what this Baby is, but the second time I can see Baby. Proof again, it seems that proof is the only way to come out of this limbo. I also am waiting for the day when my little Flutter Bean will have the strength to finally kick me and say, "Hey Lady, I am in here. Love me already!" Here's to the day I can stop holding back and fall in love.