Eating Healthier...not necessarily safer

     I have been on a kick lately of taking fruit to work in the morning. Yesterday I had apple slices and a few strawberries. I swear to God the apple tried to kill me....it tried to rip my throat out from the inside! After sharing this with a few people at work I determined the following:

1: Eating healthier is not always a safe life choice.

2: This particular apple was from"Satan's Orchard." I should have read the sticker better before my purchase.

3: Maybe the urban legend about razor blades in candy at Halloween actually came from the painful reaction people had when the skin of their delicious healthy fruit gouged out their esophagus?

4: Junk food doesn't violently kill you. It does it slowly and blissfully. As soon as my eyes were done watering and I could see where I was walking, I headed to the "work store" (real name ommitted, but a cabinet filled with goodies for around 60 cents a piece) and dropped 2 bucks to save my life.

5: It's always the red apples that are poisoned. See below exhibits A and B:
     A) In Snow White the witch used a red apple
     B) A friend of mine in high school was allergic to the skin of red apples

6: Witches are taking over the world

7: I will now take donuts to work.



Put down the red apple bitch...
those are not happy carbonation bubbles..
eat a candy bar instead...
it could save your life!