May 31, 2011

Biker Babe my ass!!!

The husband and I went for a motorcycle ride yesterday after slaving away in our front yard pulling out some hideous bushes.  I don’t think he is going to want to take me ever again. The wind was blowing 70 miles an hour which is not very conducive to bikes…. After the first 20 miles my ear drums hurt from the wind pounding them, the tops of my ears hurt from being beat against my own head violently, my tear ducts will be forever dry after pouring every bit of moisture out they could produce and I think I need to apologize to any motorist in the rural Tipton/West Branch/Solon area for flashing them as the wind tried to tear my tank top off. Or maybe I should say, "Your welcome!"

The straw that broke the camel’s back was when I felt something tear at my hair. I promptly had a girly freak out attack thinking some large bug, maybe even bird, was tangled in my hair. After mustering up some courage, I raised my hand up to check the damage and luckily found nothing there. Waitaminute….. The Wind (and it shall now be capitalized as it is a living, vicious entity) decided to yank the barrette that was holding my bangs out of my hair and fling it into the surrounding corn fields. Nice Wind, I really appreciate it.

Knowing we were going to be in public in just a few miles I pulled out my pony tail and decided to wrangle the bangs back in. Fuck, the Wind was not having it and ripped the pony right out of my grip! Showing my true biker colors I yelled a stream of profanities that went something like this, “cock sucking, mother fucking, son of a bitch. I AM DONE!” (Again, my apologies to the lovely couple that happened to be riding their own bike past us at that exact moment.)  I also threw my arms down at my sides like  a 2 year old…thank God I still had enough sense through the blinding rage and didn't stomp my feet on the foot pegs.

We arrived at this little bar/historical bridge landmark and I told him to park as far away from people as possible. I don't think even a rowdy biker crowd (or the group of farmers on tractors out for a nice Sunday drive) would appreciate my Wookiee impression or really foul mood. We took a quick drink of water and smoked a cigarette and decided to head home. After we passed the convoy of tractors at 90 miles an hour I made the giant mistake of asking how many miles before we got home….another temper tantrum commenced. Husband asks if he should leave me on the side of the road, drive all the way home and come back to pick me up with the car. Hell to the no….I was super frickin’ sun burnt and DONE! When we reached the garage he made the comment, “I guess I should just sell the bike then!” My reply, “I guess you should have married someone  that enjoys riding motorcycles!!!” Yeah, that didn't solve much. Guess I am done with the bike for another year…especially since it took me loads of conditioner and 20 minutes of brushing ripping my hair out to get it un-snarled.

I think my hair looked something like this when I screamed, "This is NOT a good look for me!?!?!?"

May 16, 2011

This is the untold story about a plan of Carb Domination.....

I had a revelation after my Ass article. Gardettos are the food of the Devil. They are the complete opposite of Ambrosia (the food of the Gods in case you never watched Xena). I solely base the growth of any part of my body on Gardettos. Now, I am not saying go out and eat a bag if you want a little boost in the brassiere or ship several hundred bags to some starving children in Ethiopia, I am simply saying that those delicious bags of heaven are not heaven sent…they are from the Devil himself and can be the perfect Patsy to my delusional theory about any weight gain I may experience.

Damn you General Mills and your tasty treats! OH.MY.GOD! Revelation number two of the day….General Mills is Satan! Did you know that he is the distributor of Betty Crocker frosting, Shake n Pour Buttermilk Pancakes, Hamburger Helper, Bugles and a shit load or Brownie mixes?!?!? (Bugles clearly must have been a letdown for The General on his plan of world domination because I seriously didn’t even know you could buy that shit anymore.) People, General Mills is the Lucifer of Carbs and MUST BE STOPPED! Too bad I ate a bag of Gardettos today and am in too much Carb overload to form any coherent plan of attack…. Oh well, maybe some other day.

May 15, 2011

Ass Wednesday

The Catholic girl in me is totally red-faced about the title of this, but seriously peeing her pants on the inside for how clever it is.

I was walking to the bathroom at work and just happened to glance to the left when I  saw my ass reflecting back at me in the office windows…..It.Was.Frightening! I am officially out of excuses. No, it is NOT the pants….It is not me just having a "fat ass day." Nope, its not even the glare from some solar flash highlighting my rear at the exact moment I was looking and then blowing the image up to three times the size it is in reality. (Pretty sure that lame ass logic isn’t fooling anybody on how my lame ass has gained weight.)

This sucks! I went from moving and grooving for 10 hours a day to sitting on my flabby lady hump for about 10 hours a day….this was inevitable. Lord give me the strength to start doing squats and running and not eating constantly at my desk. Lord, please turn the other cheek for the title of this particular blog in order to grant my serenity and a more toned derriere. Lord (or whoever is listening at this point b/c I am pretty sure He didn’t turn the other cheek) please make it so I no longer have to shoe horn myself into my own pants. Amen

Nope, I can't even blame THIS CHAIR!!?!?