This is the untold story about a plan of Carb Domination.....

I had a revelation after my Ass article. Gardettos are the food of the Devil. They are the complete opposite of Ambrosia (the food of the Gods in case you never watched Xena). I solely base the growth of any part of my body on Gardettos. Now, I am not saying go out and eat a bag if you want a little boost in the brassiere or ship several hundred bags to some starving children in Ethiopia, I am simply saying that those delicious bags of heaven are not heaven sent…they are from the Devil himself and can be the perfect Patsy to my delusional theory about any weight gain I may experience.

Damn you General Mills and your tasty treats! OH.MY.GOD! Revelation number two of the day….General Mills is Satan! Did you know that he is the distributor of Betty Crocker frosting, Shake n Pour Buttermilk Pancakes, Hamburger Helper, Bugles and a shit load or Brownie mixes?!?!? (Bugles clearly must have been a letdown for The General on his plan of world domination because I seriously didn’t even know you could buy that shit anymore.) People, General Mills is the Lucifer of Carbs and MUST BE STOPPED! Too bad I ate a bag of Gardettos today and am in too much Carb overload to form any coherent plan of attack…. Oh well, maybe some other day.