I have been working on adapting to this new life of mine. Being a single, married, working mother is pretty fucking exhausting. Tonight while I was feeding Little Man his bed time bottle I figured it was time to put some of these scattered thoughts of mine out there.
Little Man is just about ten months old. We are talking a little over two months away from being one. How the hell does that happen so fast? I am not going to lie and say that I am not looking forward to him getting older though.
The past ten months have been exhausting. Confusing. Lonely. Wonderful. Eye opening. Amazing. Frustrating. Exhausting... Pretty much every feeling possible.
My son is a lot of things. Bossy is a pretty dominant thing though . Think of Donald Trump as a baby. 'I need you to feed me now. Oh, you still have to mix that bottle? You're fired!' 'You put that toy just out of arms reach and expect me to move and get it? Unacceptable. You're fired!' 'You think I should be sleeping through the night at 7 or 8 months? Fuck you, you're fired!!'
Napping is this kid's arch nemesis. He literally took an eleven minute nap once... so that whole nap while they nap thing has been a fucking joke. I honestly believe the zombie theory is based off of someone's view of a new parent. Someone saw a new Mom out grocery shopping, shuffling in her slippers, bags under her eyes with snot and food covering her shirt and thought 'walking dead.' Yesterday while battling him for a nap - in his crib- I found myself giggling. A little voice in my head was yelling, 'I will not negotiate with a terrorist!!' I won too!!
When we brought Little Man home from the hospital we had the Tv on during naps, ran the dishwasher, even vacuumed. We didn't hold him during naps and had him in his crib at 6 weeks old. Now during naps and after he goes to bed I walk around my house like a prisoner sneaking around a monk's library. Don't wake the beast.... it's kind of funny how terrifying my long and lean Tyrant can be.
Besides being bossy and demanding, this small dictator has a great sense of humor and is now big enough to appreciate the joy of being affectionate. I even get big, sloppy, open mouth kisses. Last night after his bottle he curled his legs up in my lap, grasped my right shoulder in his left hand and buried his forehead in my neck while I held and rocked him. Feeling those long perfect eyelashes brush my neck and the deep breaths of complete comfort and trust against my chest brought me to tears. Moments like that make up for every hour filled with nap fighting guttural screams and slaps to my face.
I know I stare down a future full of having to offer choices to make him feel in control, picking my battles carefully and letting the small things roll off my back. This stubborn Angel that has my face is going to be a very iron willed, determined young man someday and I can't want to help guide him in his ventures.
On a side note... here's to hoping any future sibling he may have are fat, lazy and dumb...we are talking stare at the walls smiling and drooling easy babies dumb!