I have decided that I need to sell my house and move. Not for any important reason like high crime rate in the neighborhood or to shorten the 80 mile round trip I make every day to work, but for the simple fact that my address is BORING (Mediocrity rears its ugly head again). At my job I get to see thousands of addresses all around the country. My ADHD finds enjoyment in mocking people’s insane names (Honeybee? Really people??) and pointing out some really cool addresses. I get regular old Cedar Street. How normal is that? Today I realized, however, that I am not going to settle for a cooler street address, oh no, I need a better town name.
Did you know that there is a Cool, California? Or how about Hollidaysburg, Pennsylvania? So before today I was thinking Cool, California sounded awesome…but talk about pressure! Either the town has some sort of screening process to make sure you meet the necessary requirements to live in a town with a name such as that OR the people there are all of the kids that were bullied in school and being able to just live in a town called Cool makes them feel better about themselves. It could go either way. I could totally roll up with all of my shit packed into a horse trailer or clown car and step out with ginormous sunglass and hot pants and be all, “Look at me people. You thought this town was cool? You ain’t seen nothing yet!” but then I would risk the chance of being ran out of town by the sheriff in his Armani suit and tie driving his Aston Martin cop car, and that would sooo be the antithesis of cool.
Hollidaysburg, PA…the next one to catch my eye. Would living there be like going to an ugly Christmas sweater party every day? Would I be able to put up my holiday decorations and never take them down? Then my house would look like Hobby Lobby threw up on it every time there was an after Holiday sale. Is there a designated Holiday that the townsfolk worship? I don’t think I could put up with certain holidays every single day of the year….Saint Patty’s day? Green everywhere…the green puke flowing in the streets because of the mass quantities of colored beer being consumed on a daily basis. Wow, totally new thought, would I get Holiday pay every day?
A lot of these places are pretty far from Iowa…maybe I should look closer to home. Dike, Iowa? Ummm….that would be a short stay, maybe something I would have considered in my brief stint in college, but I am married now ladies…..time to close up the muffin shop. Was that too much?? Oh well, moving on. What Cheer, Iowa. Ok, I can dig it. But wait, every time I try to figure out why in the hell someone would name a town What Cheer I think bad things. Was there a tragic bus accident while the local school was carting its prized cheerleaders to some cheerific competition and they all died screaming, “Give-me-an aaaaaaaaah shit!”? Nope, can’t do it…this girl has waaaay too much cheer to inflict major pain on such a small community when I walk down the street doing some high kicks and spread eagles.
Today was the day!! The day that I found MY town. Little Egg Harbor in New Jersey. I have always had an obsession with New Jersey that pre-dates Jersey Shore, by the way. My plan is to head out there and find some big Victorian looking house and paint it pastel pink (maybe with some mint green stripes and lavender polka dots too), park a GIANT bunny and Easter egg in my front yard and then sit on my porch swing with rabbit ears on and scream/sing “Here comes Peter Cottontail, hopin’ down the bunny trail, hippity hoppity Easter’s on its way…..” at random strangers as they walk/run on by!!
You thought the Jersey Shore cast brought your state and culture shame….you have NOOO idea what is about to come your way New Jersey. That’s it for now…I have to go buy up cartloads of Easter grass and cadburry eggs now for my year round Easter egg hunts!