March 25, 2011

House Under Attack!

Boxelder bugs have taken residence in my house! Apparently they want to side with my Husband and try and prove a point that my house is the cool place to be…not a small Grandma house like I think it is. Yes, I know, it is a good house to start in, but the longer I am here the more I can envision some little old Blue hair sitting on a couch crocheting doilies and shit for her Grandchildren in MY tiny Grandma living room.

Back to the topic at hand - Boxelder bugs. Nasty little fuckers that are very hard to kill. Did you know that if you squish one, the others are attracted to that distinct odor they let off? Now what do I do?? Come up with new creative ways to rid myself of them.

The other morning I found out that they do. not. like Clorox. I throw back my shower curtain to begin my morning ritual and there are two chillin in the tub like they just went to some private spa and are holding little martinis in their creepy antennae. I literally said (out loud), “Now you have gone too far bugs!!”.….Dig through my bathroom cabinet and find some bathroom cleaner with Clorox in it. I continue my verbal tirade and hose the suckers in Clorox. The shit stings my eyes so it has to burn the hell out of their tiny lungs. *For fear of sounding completely sadistic, I will add this little tidbit….I felt bad while they had little mini seizures in the tub and scurried in circles to find a way out of the pain….but only for a moment because I clean up their corpses and find two more on the bathroom floor!!! Do they travel in pairs? Is there some fancy name for how they group together like herd or pack or flock?

At this point, the Clorox is overpowering (try to find your dead mate’s stink through that you little bastards!!) and my bathtub is sparkling so I need to come up with a new plan of attack. What to do, what to do?? I roll one little square toilet paper off of the roll and gently pick up pain in the ass number one and after scooping him up oh so carefully I proceed to cradle him all the way over to the toilet then FLING him in!! Surprisingly, Boxelders swim pretty well. I was afraid he was going to make his way to the side of the can and drag his little black and orange body up to safety so I tear off another hunk of toilet paper and throw it on top of him. My theory on this? If I was swimming around and someone threw a 30 pound blanket on top of me, I would drown. Boxelder weight = me in pool. Wet toilet paper wad = 30 pound wet blanket. My theory is sound and buggy can no longer move his creepy spider like legs. This method worked a lot quicker for pain in the ass two (or would he be four if we count the two poisoned in the shower?).

The next night I decide to try out a tactic to deter the box elder bugs…I heard that soapy water is supposed to repel them. Being as impatient as I am with the whole attack I am under, I see one above my kitchen sink by the window sill so I grab my big bottle of liquid dish soap and squirt a blob of it at his direction. Said Bug approaches the splat of soap, basically puts his first two feet in it and backs away. Success!! Now I just need to go outside and cover the entire outside of my house in dish detergent!!! Screw that….I just need to get my lazy ass to a local store and find some pet friendly, box elder bug killing (and repelling), fast acting, jumbo sized spray bottle of bug spray! They are obviously not fleeing in terror from the examples I have been trying to make of their cousins.

Cousin Josephine....before I flushed her down the toilet!

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