March 30, 2011

Perversion with the dog....but not the kind that lands you in jail!

     It started around Christmas. My family spoiled the new addition to our family, Diesel, our 90 pound adopted Labradane baby. He literally had his own presents around the Christmas tree. For his first Christmas with us he got a squeaky Reindeer, a new bone, an awesome giant ball made of strong sturdy yarn with handles for us to pull with, some treats and…..his Aunt gave him a Beaver….that squeaks. Never again do I want to hear my Mother (who calls herself Grandma to our dog) say, “Go lay down and chew your beaver.” That was about as mortifying as when she asked her daughters to explain what a camel toe was......

     So, we had a great time for awhile talking about my male dog and his new beaver. The beaver gets crusty after he plays with it too long, when you say “get your beaver" like any other male he cocks his head to the side and he is possessive of his beaver….if your forget to get it out of his bed he will scratch at the kennel door begging for it. Yeah, the beaver is pretty awesome. The only rule I have with this beaver is: there is only ONE beaver allowed on Mommy’s bed!

      On a recent trip to Wal-Mart, my husband found a new toy that will rival any old crusty beaver. It is a bright yellow, obnoxiously loud chicken. I kid you not, this thing squeals and squawks when you pick it up like it is dying….like a satanic baby or a sick and pain filled turkey that mated with that spawn of Satan. The frickin thing drives me crazy! But on the bright side, now we get to tell our dog to choke his chicken. I am going to hell aren’t I? My husband seems to enjoy shaking that chicken and does it when I leave the room…hello buddy….I know what you are doing in there, I can hear you!!! Even I have been tempted to choke the chicken, especially when my Dog drags the squawking thing upstairs to the bedroom at 3 in the morning to throttle his new toy.

     Yup, God save my future children from any toy they may receive that could possibly be turned into something perverse and twisted by my very own perverse and twisted mind. Now if you will excuse me, I have to stop my dog from choking his chicken too much…the beaver is starting to get jealous.

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